Pet Debt

I am a Jobless guy sitting at home
Talking to myself when I strum, play or roam.
So I figure I'm in need of a pet
One that says 'bow wow'
And one my folks can let.

"Dad!" I called and hugged him
Promptly came the reply
"Do you need Money to go to the gym?"
"No..., But I kinda have a request :)"
"Oh dear God! Don't put my patience to test!"

And then I place my request
For my poor dad to hear.
Told my need for company,
"One that walks on 4 legs- one that's like a dog,
Which I can take for a breezy stroll or a quick jog"

Anyone can guess what came the reply
"No", it was, though well worth a try.
"Dad, I promise I wont be no prat
I'll clean, wipe and vacuum the house
And settle for a pet, even if it was a cat".

A small putty thing, jumping around
Chasing its own tail round, round and round.
"I'll Have fun and frolic, dad!"
"And you'll bring the house down
while your clumsy li'l pet tatters grandma's gown".

Spray, wipe, clean and shine.
I cleaned the house spotless
Worked my lazy bum off.
And I waited for a 'Yes'
though an 'Ok' was good enough.

And one fine morning,
Finally dad gave me that gift.
Something that had four legs
And something that's like a dog.
Something I didn't expect- a spongy doggy doll.

All that's left is, I'm bored
while I still wait for a pet,
One that's got four legs and says 'bow wow'
I still have my spongy foofy doll
And closest to an inch to put my fist through the wall! Ouch!

A last desperate request to my dad to get me a pup.

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Spit Happens

This happened on my recent visit to Chennai. And i'm kind of vouching that this happens only in India.

Yeah.. Like you've travelled to every other part of the world
Thanks Evil bugger... all the support I need!
And what's with the title?
For god's sake have some patience!
For all what's worth your rambling, i need a genie to grant me some
Again, thanks!
Go on!

Anyway, I got into an autorickshaw
Me: I want to go to the Lemon tree building, opposite the..
Driver: 250 Rupees saar..

Dude, I havent even told you the entire destination location yet!
It was like a kind of a reflex.

Me: opposite that police station, chetpet?
driver: Oh andhaandaya (roughly translated into "Oh, there!") , appo..mmm... 200 rupees saar..

Man! where do you have your account in? the Swiss bank?

As usual, like every other indian would do, i started bargaining and brought the fee down to 150. I know i've been cheated. Dont say it.

Evil twin: Ha ha ha! Not the first time bud
Me: I said! DON'T SAY IT!

I got into the autorickshaw and off we went.
Traffic Signal 1. The driver looked to his side and spit a huge blob of his saliva on the road...

Man! Yuck!

... and gave a reaction like he had escaped from alcatraz.

Frankly speaking, that reaction should have been given by that sorry spit that was fortunate enough to have escaped from his pan filled filthy factory producing stinky secrete.

Anyway.. i ignored what happened like I never saw it and like the other people on the road with a smirking face pretending nothing happened.

Signal 2. The guy looked down to his left and spit again.

Hello!? Don't you swallow your own saliva!? Is it poisonous? No? let me guess... Radioactive?

I thought the poor guy didnt know his way back and hence was making his mark so He could find his way back a'la Hercules Vs. Minotaur.

Now thats what I call a literal herculian comparison!

Ahh wait!.. I forgot to describe the post-action. Immediately after he spit, he took a cloth and cleaned his windshield.

Dude! You spit on the road! You ought to be cleaning not your windshield!

spitting, I guess, has become more of human secretion rather than a voluntary or a cult action.

Its not worth contemplating anyway...

Finally, i reached my destination. I took a couple of seconds before I could get down and you know why. I didnt want the driver's filthy sloppy projectile to have its bull's eye on my ankle. And yes, he spit and then I got down and paid him instead of paying him back. I paid him cash. The lumpsome he had robbed off me.

I was happy and walked cheerful towards work because all that could go wrong had already happened during my "delightful" journey.

Is that it!? Is that your post!? Oh genie! please grant me deaf ears instead of good patience!
I guess I made a point... ?
really? arrkkhh.. thooooo...
well... ahem... spit happens... I guess.

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5.5 Hours and a Superhero Born

Hi blog!
…
Haaii bloog…
Blog? Hello?
…
HELLO TWIN!!
YIKES!! … Phew! You again! You… evil… twit! Sorry… twin! (Gulp…)
No worries, I aint gonna hurt you…
Wow! Really!?
Not in front of them, that is…
Oh, well… I guess I’ll keep a tombstone ready then…
You guessed it; I have it all set…
Awww… How nice of you! Hope it atleast says R.I.P, if not to mean it..?
You wish! I made it say, “good twin- Died in sleep. Evil twin- haunting house”
Well, atleast let me finish my story, can I?
Is it like a last prayer kind of thing, twit?
Hey! You called me twit!
I can call you whatever I want to…
Ok bro! Just checking…
So, what’s your story then?
You did see the title, didn’t you?
It says superhero!? Oh my god! Please don’t tell me that lame story you told about some wayside hero… oh please! I beg you! Puhleeezz… I can get killed you know!
Oh! Ha ha ha! Looks like the tombstone is gonna read “Good twin: narrating stories. Evil twin: died of listening”
what…?
Damn it… backfire…
SHUT UP!!... CEASEFIRE!!!
“What was that!?” (in chorus)
Blog..? blog!! You’re alive! Yay!
Blog: You woke me up, you IDIOTS!!
You mean, brought you back from dead?
Blog: Now, you, evil twin, “SHUT UP” and “you, moron, go ahead with your ramble”
As you wish, blog-o-mighty, as you wish!

Once upon a time…

Cut the crap…
Alright! If YOU could just shut up

I have this habit of taking impulsive decisions that sometimes just comes back to bite my ass. Anyway, I had an exam that should be written so I qualify for my future plans and the examination body conducts it in our hometown for OUR CONVENIENCE. I seem to have missed that part, conveniently. I chose a date that did not have my hometown in the places list and I chose a place that can’t even be remotely called one. But having subject to taking up responsibility for my decisions, I decided to see it through. And I’m happy to say, the only pleasant part of this trip was my exam (I hope).

I landed in the place called Mad-urai, which by the way, I had no difficulty finding out not because of any landmarks but because of a smell that is nonexistent in any other part of the world.

Ewww…
Thanks... I think this is the only part where we have a single perspective

I got into an auto and headed to my hotel. And thankfully, it was a good place to stay. But good things aren’t for long. Before I knew it, I was out in the scorching heat in search of the holy place so I can get my exam over with. But then I made a mistake. I caught an auto. And my oh my! I was taken for a ride both tariff wise and the drive itself. The driver drove head on towards a bus approaching at a considerable speed, like Superman and Darkseid in a final battle clashing it out. I was like a helpless fly sitting on superman’s neck not knowing what was going to happen but definite that I was screwed.

I thought you were the superhero!?
Wait evil twin... patience…

Thankfully, the driver made a last minute turn and the bus just whisked by. This is how a couple of days in Mad-urai went. Atleast I was a happy man in my hotel room. After 2 days, I went to the bus stop to board the bus at around 230 with the sun literally sitting on my head. Anyways, I was happy. I was heading home.

WHERE is superman!!?
Patience… you..!
WHAT?
I meant, you mighty listener...

And I got into the bus. Like it was reserved for me, I could see one seat empty and I occupied it as fast I could though there was no competition. Now I know why. With every brake, stop, jump and acceleration, I felt like I was going to vomit my own organs. Then came the greatest of evils. It started when the bus started. The bus had a couple of TVs inside and I was expecting some entertainment. All they could play was songs in movies in which a famous Tamil political had acted. 5.5 hours non stop. I could feel that my brain got sedated. I felt like a POW in a Nazi camp. But then the positive side was if I could endure this, I could, from now on say,”what else? Bring it on”.

Like how Spidey got his superpowers from a spider exposed to radioactive crap, I got mine from a prolonged exposure to yester-age songs. The power of endurance.

What about your readers then?
Well… you got me…

And so was the story told to the people the moron knew and like rats hypnotized by the pied piper of Hamlin, the listeners jumped into the sea.

You mean they followed you?
Nope… jumped half way through...
Sigh…

Blog? You awake? Blog..?
I think its dead..

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Feign Life

In the darkest hours,
She held the light.
Against the tides
To win through the fight.

Her withered hands,
And her broken wings,
Fallen from beliefs
And a word that still stings.

And so she walks alone…
Don’t lose hope.

Through the skies of change,
Dreams still come by.
Like thoughts at sunset
Your hopes still fly high.

For tomorrow comes,
To relieve the pain,
Let this day be last,
That she walks alone.

The fallen wings
And the shattered hopes
In the beaten path,
There she still lies wounded.

In the madness dwells,
The emotions lore.
The pain of love,
She can’t take no more.

And so she walks alone…
Don’t lose hope.

Through the skies of change,
Dreams still come by.
Like thoughts at sunset
Your hopes still fly high.

Still she walks alone…
Don’t lose hope.

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Along came Doggy

Well well well… Hello blog! I’m your master and I command thee to rise once again! From your eternal slumber!

You’re neither the sleeping beauty nor am I going to kiss you to wake up. That’s like the last thing I want to do. Look like some moron kissing the screen and talking to a non-responsive webpage. That doesn’t mean I don’t love you. I do, so dearly I do.

Up! Up! Up! Ah… well… what’s the point…

I had recently gone to Chennai to visit my sister and my friend. We went to all the places we could despite the threat of swine flu in some places.

Bit of daredevil-ish, aren’t we?

No. Shut up.

Well, I’ll save this for another day (or never). Anyway, I have recently developed a liking insatiable for dogs especially after I watched Marley and Me. I’ve always wanted one but haven’t had the opportunity due to several constraints. The three of us were walking on the road less crowded with shady trees on both the sides. It was a nice cloudy day with signs of rain leaving us with a hope that it might. I wished the road wouldn’t end. And the company too. It was just the three of us having a nice chat and catching up when we had an unexpected guest joining us.

No prizes for obvious guesses… I told you, I’m not a moron.

Ignore my evil twin. He tends to do that from time to time.

It was a dog. From the street. He was a white dog and had brown, innocent eyes as he was just looking at us. We gave him a straight look like how we would when react when we speak to a person for like a half an hour and then he asks us his name and we say Clark Kent. Thankfully a dog is devoid of such emotions and so we continued our trod. Along he came to our surprise. We had nothing to give (like always) and he didn’t seem to care. He seemed to enjoy the company though we spoke a different language. He didn’t care. We tried dodging him just to check if he was following us. He followed us. We had doubts about his loyalty. He didn’t care. He then suddenly took the lead. Now it was like we were following him. He didn’t care. So, we would play by suddenly taking a deviation from the normal road. He’d just turn around, look and then would come to the road we were in and then keep following us. Then we’d just stand still if he took the lead. He’d just turn around patiently and walk back to us. We made him wait. He didn’t care. Then we tried one final experiment to see whom he was following. So, I asked my sister to walk in the opposite direction while my friend and I walked in one. He followed us. Then I asked my friend to walk in the opposite direction and I kept walking. He followed me. I was ashamed I doubted his loyalty. He didn’t seem to care. So, we walked till we reached the main road and along he walked. I was elated that the dog liked me. I’m a dog person and the dog knew it!

Wait wait… it’s not over yet…

Shut up, evil twin!

We almost reached the main road leading to the beach when he saw another dog.

Tell them... tell them it was a female dog… tell them… tell them!

I WOULD if you stopped yellin' in my head!

Ahem… Yes, it was a female dog. He didn’t seem to care.

Liar!

Oh crap!

Okay! I almost thought he wouldn’t care… till he just sat, left a stinky, poopy mark on the road and left. Now he didn’t care. I stood there looking at him while he walked without a single backward glance.

Damn you… you non-… caring… dog!

Ha ha ha ha! Man! You are pathetic!

Shut up, evil twin! Go back to sleep!

He didn’t seem to care. Nor will he.

You meant me, didn’t you?

Either. Whatever.

We continued our trod, this time around checking out chicks, like proper men.

I still love dogs.

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For a Few Dollars More

I was sitting in my cabin staring at the monitor like a dead guy’s eyes focused towards the sky waiting for the Gods to relieve him. Thankfully, my only source of wake up calls would be the hunger groan from my gut reminding me occasionally that I needed energy to at least look alive.

After one such call, I had to make my way to the pantry to grab some sort of a source of caffeine. A bottle would suffice. But to the best of my dim memory, caffeine was seldom used raw at a work place. It came in the form of beverages. So I resort to coffee and it came free. But again, I would be inhuman to drink a gallon so I get one bottle equivalent of the energy substance and stay awake for the rest of my days. Anyway, on my way to the pantry, I managed to get a glimpse of the outside world (it’s relatively a small world inside) and found that the weather was something that begged for a jay walk.

With some thoughts lingering, I had my coffee and got back to my seat like just another mundane machine running on routines and timetables giving least importance to the beauty of the human mind comprising of uniqueness in crazy thoughts and fun.

Lessons Learnt:
1. We think about endless possibilities to simulate machines whilst sitting in a dead end cabin of work.
2. We make plans to make machines do anything while we stay crippled in our easy chair drafting them.
3. The thinking process of the mind has shifted from closing of eyes to shutting of the mind.
4. There are other stones left unturned.

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Domer the domer- Excerpt from an Election Campaign

Domer the domer, he is back with a bang! At the right time!! And guess what!? He’s making more promises than ever!

Domer the domer

An article in the newspaper read,

GodforbiddenLand: As the time is nearing to elect a new old ruler, In the morning the local citizens were very excited and were in their highest spirits (in both the contexts of consideration) to catch a glimpse of their hero, Domer, riding through the state begging, sorry, demanding, oops, requesting, ha ha yeah right, (Darn I can’t get the word right), well, campaigning for votes so he can assume the mantle once more to rule his blind people. Domer, after reigning for more than a decade now, still has his way of words. The plethora of pleasing words that are like soothing music for the ears would please one. Why wouldn’t it? He is not listening and so is Domer. Here is what Domer had to say or rather promise to his citizens!

“Oh My dearest people!
Just cast your votes for me!
And that’s all I ever ask,
While I give you goods for free!

Bundles of Saris and Bottles of Liquor,
Take them and enjoy your currency notes flicker!
I give you these riches and ask for your help,
Votes are a few of my favorite things!”

The campaign was pompous and exorbitant. With majority of the country’s income being spent on the elections, the timeframe of 5 years is just right to regain money spent and more. Milton wrote Paradise lost when he lost his eyesight and Paradise Regained when he regained it. With money being today’s paradise, the expression is a simile apropos.

The people were exultant and felt blessed to be in the presence of Domer that some of them started crying after seeing Domer their Hero. They cheered, cried, laughed and praised him amidst all their bard songs, Domer made all the promises he could and gave hope for many. No questions, no demands. Just being in the presence of Domer was enough.

“We all welcome Domer
Who’s back with a bang!
And in this time of the hour
In love with his Vote Bank.

Every Literate just a Dumbo
And Domer’s bodyguard a Gung Ho!
So we all vote for Domer
Who’s back with a bang!”

There are always some of them who have prayers irrespective of who the ruling party was. When enquired what their prayers were, they asked for the sanest of things that day to day life demanded. People have seen a lot these days that a there are a lot to demand than to expect.

“Domer the domer
Give us power for this summer.
We all have no more money!
And please promise us no phony.

Please give us education,
And we don’t need reservation
Based on color, caste or creed.
Vote for you to help and feed!”

The question posed for eons together is, Will Domer deliver!? A question asked for years and the question for which, people are still searching answers for!!

On a totally different note, some of the local citizens have been quite angry and have been questioning why Domer had not delivered till now for the previous million times he had been elected. When asked why, let’s just say, they displayed a cascading of emotions.

“He launders money
To treat his ass!
And launders some more
To feed his cats!

He’ll shoot you in the face
And wipe your history off this place.
So we all vote for Domer
To escape his bloody bang!”

Well well, all said and done, what do I say?

“Domer or dumbo
What difference does it make!?
This has been on for ages
And it’s just too much to take!

Still One vote can make a difference,
And I exercise my rights!
I have a hope that I can
Make my country reach new heights!”

An excerpt from News for the Blind.
Courtesy: The Gemini Mind.

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Bane for Glory

O Lord of plunder, ask thy self,
Why thou was once divine.
Once a hero now a lie,
And your land now withered dry.

In every promise, justify;
While the land and seas divide.
Left your sons to writhe and die.
Damned their souls to cry.

My Lusty king, what have you done?
Thy kingdom’s babies born with guns.
Innocence, a child of yesterday.

The weight of the crown, you’ll see,
Bury your land in greed.
The weight of the crown you’ll see,
Will crush you underneath.

A Blackened charm for the blood red lips,
Trapped forever from the serpent’s kiss.
Like falling deep into a dark abyss…

A shot in the heart and I feel,
The wicked punch of the steel.
And down to the ground I fall
Never to rise again.

Crawling in myself and pray
Wishing for redemption day.
Wishing for salvation from within…

And Now I ask thy kingdom come,
To set us free and fly.
I lay there wondering what’s to come
I close my eyes and cry.

Oh my king I beg for answers,
Of this cause may people die.
While your crown lies heavy on your throne,
Thy face just gleams with pride.

As I lay under sorrowed skies,
Raining down with people’s lies,
Embrace my fate and alleviate
My soul from pain to a higher place,
Still wishing for Salvation from within…
Still wishing for redemption day...


And there goes the 50th strand of thought from this Gemini's Mind. I thank my few readers for their continued support :)
Keep Visiting.

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Chronicles of a Wayside Hero: Part VII

Chapter 7: The Other Side is always Greener

Year: Unknown. Day: Some days after Previous Day

Finally…

Yeah finally.

… Neo got his work terminal after a great struggle. He was a hero. Neo went home satisfied after securing a place, for the time being. None knew what happened to Smite as the pool was already flooded.

The next day Neo went off to work and from the office phone called all the people he ever knew and spread the good news about his heroic deeds.

Papra papra pam… papra pammmm…

Slangs like “Macha*! Mapla*! I got a project da!” was heard.

The Language Expert.

And to add to the good news, Neo was already put into a project. So he arranged a party for his friends and boozed the whole night off. The next day, a major hangover. Trying to shake it off, Neo reported to work and sat on his comfy chair expecting a peaceful day ahead.

Neo's Booze party and the drunken Dance

Sitting idle for some time, Neo slowly felt his eyes droopy. The telephone on the table began ringing.

“Hello?”

“Is it Neo?” said a lady in a slow voice.

“Yes it is. How may I help you?” Neo sounded courteous.

“I’m one of the people enjoying her vacation onsite. I’m here to give you a knowledge transfer on what you will be doing in the coming months”

“Right now!?”

“Starting this minute.” And the K.T. went on for hours. Neo felt his eyes drooping. He slowly transcended to a state of temporary coma.

The sound of a strange voice in a trance…

Neo… Wake up…

It was getting stronger by the second.

NEO…

NEO…

NEO

A Banshee?

I second the remark. Quite gladly too.

“ahhhh…” Neo woke up startled. “Awww... sheesh! What the…”

“NEO ARE YOU LISTENING?” said a firm and irritated voice.

“Yeah yeah…” he said sheepishly with a sad face while Smite walked by in and out with a burger in his hand.

“I should have belonged to the pool” he murmured knowing he has more wars to fight and win. This was just the beginning.

--fin--


* - local slang to address friends

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Chronicles of a Wayside Hero: Part VI

Chapter 6: The Common Truth
Year: Unknown. Day: Some days before Previous Day (managed to catch up… finally)

Sigh…

‘When will this end?’ asked Neo.

I know you’re frustrated Neo. And so are all the few readers here.

Neo reported to work as per the details given to him. When he was recruited, he had a notion that he was the chosen one. And the recruiters too gave him the idea. After entering, he saw a few thousands of people already in.

‘Aren’t I the chosen one?’ asked Neo.

No answer. Amidst all the commotion, none could hear him. People were just buzzing around and almost walked through him like he did not exist.

‘AREN’T I THE CHOSEN ONE!?!?’ he yelled.

A standstill. Neo thought his power had brought the world to a pause. He felt like a hero. A dunce cap on a shy and naked donkey was the others’ perspective. Neo stood still wondering what to do. Stupid.

Then came MorphGuy out of the crowd.

‘We’ve been waiting for you Neo’

‘Despite this recession?’

‘Yes, we have, Neo’

What a blunt, White Lie.

‘Well, here I am and I also have a paper that contains a brief description of what I’m skilled at!’
‘It’s called a Resume Neo. And no need for that now.’

‘WHY!? I can do some things that other people can’t!’

‘Now you’ll have to do what everybody else does! That’s the beauty of the job Neo!’

‘awww… really!? I can’t do that I guess…’

MorphGuy lead Neo to a door.

‘I can only show you the door Neo. It’s you that has to open it’

‘MorphGuy… ahem…I think you’re showing me the exit door…’ gulp.

‘Indeed Neo.’

Neo had the little sense to revert back and say that he would rather slog like a slave so he wouldn’t lose the opportunity.

‘Very good Neo. So where do I allocate you..?’ MorphGuy keeps thinking when there’s a strong but steady knock on the door.

‘Come In’ said MorphGuy.

It was who Neo least expected to meet.

‘Ahhh… Smite! I’ve been expecting you…’

oh sheesh... Don’t you get sick of over using that dialogue??

‘Smite is also same as you Neo. He’s here for a job’ And MorphGuy introduced Smite and Neo to each other.

Opportunity knocks on the door. Sometimes a knock on the door spoils an opportunity.

‘So, guys if you’re up to it just wait outside and see if you can catch a seat. I’ll catch up with you in sometime…’

Neo and Smite went out into the bay to find a seat. None except one was unoccupied.

MorphGuy didn’t have the slightest idea what he had provoked. A fight for supremacy. A fight for righteousness. A fight for… a seat, to start with.

Neo and Smite ran towards the unoccupied seat. The sweat from exhaustion, from struggling trickled down from their forehead. Just as they reached it, it was slyly pushed and occupied by an employee returning from a restroom break.

Both of them knew that this would be the case daily and that they’d have to fight for it.

The war had begun.

After a miserable day, Neo reached home and hit the sack. Neo was a fool in the free pool.
In his dreams, the sound of a strange voice in a trance.

Neo…

NEO…

Continued in a fool in the free pool...

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Chronicles of a Wayside Hero: Part V

Chapter 5: The Call
Year: Unknown. Day: Lost Count…

After a thousand tries, one definitely has to succeed. Especially The Chosen One. Neo awoke startled when the phone near him started to ring ‘you’ve got Call’, the annoying ringtone on Sony Ericsson phones. Neo was only hopeful that the ringtone would act as a harbinger.

He answered it.

“Sir, you still have a couple of 1000 bucks due from your credit card that you spent on shopping. When do you intend to pay that?”

Darn. Trinity.

Neo hung up without saying a word. “You’ve got Call” the phone rang again. Reluctant, Neo picked up the phone. “Neo…” a slow but firm and base voice spoke. “What do you intend to do with your life?”

‘Sell my liver, kidney, eye, blood and get an Xbox 360’

‘As far as I know, it doesn’t come that cheap. Say what, I’ll help you get it’

‘Good idea. You want me to sell yours too??’

‘I’m neither that generous nor that stupid. I’m here to offer you a job’

I don’t know how that happened after Neo’s bright idea. His light bulb ought to have burst.

‘Job!? Wow! That’s… eh… that’s nice. Thanks. When do I report? Now?’

‘Tomorrow.’ and the caller hung up.

The following morning, Neo reported to the address the caller had given.

‘Welcome Neo…” said a voice. A tall, dark figure with a tonsured head stood in front of him.

‘Morphguy!?’

‘Indeed.’

‘Were you the one constantly haunting me by programming my dreams?’

‘The dreams are yours. The programs were mine. You happened to catch a glimpse of them sometime which haunted you throughout’

‘So, what now?’

‘Here. I offer you these. Take them’

And Morphguy handed Neo a couple of pills.

‘Wow! Is it like the matrix?? I get to choose to go to sleep again!! Yay!’

‘Wrong. One is for your headache that is to be caused and the other is for you to be routed to where you belong’

‘How do you know I’m gonna get a headache? The oracle??’

‘I do consult the oracle from time to time, Neo. But this could have been predicted by even a unicellular organism, or in other words, a bit.’

‘How so? O mighty Morphguy?’

‘Obviously. You’re in this story.’

Darn. I’m the story writer and these guys make fun of me. Thin Ice, Morphguy, thin Ice.

‘So, how does this exactly work? Why wasn’t I given a choice?’

‘Here is how it works Neo.’ And Morphguy takes Neo through an extensive explanation that Neo thinks he had chosen a sleeping pill.

The Cycle

'So, what now?' asked Neo.

'You're recruited'

To be continued...

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Chronicles of a Wayside Hero: Part IV

Chapter 4: The Fall of a Neophyte
Year: Unknown. Day: One day before Many Many days before Previous Day.

Smite had been jobless for quite some time now. Frustrated, he started spamming inbox with his resume and also added in his proposal that he’d be happy to slog equivalent to two or more people so he directly contributed to cost cutting.

His wishes were answered when the Matrix, an equally stupid system decided to hire him. Smite was inducted into the Matrix so he could keep up his word on cost cutting. The Matrix faced problems of hanging often either because it had too many people in it. Hence the Creator would re run some select days seamlessly to shield the glitch while it was being fixed.

Déjà vu.

Having had enough of re running days, now the Creator planned to reduce the population either by replacing two resources with one or just kill them by telling them this story. The latter would be used when Smite failed. Well, Smite had time.

Trinity…

Trinity was a good worker. She had a style and splendor in whatever she did (The legendary slow-mo). Once, she failed to meet a deadline for a delivery because the matrix slow-mo delivered the product slowly a few days later. She was fired as fast as possible.

Neo was in the machine world. Slow-mos were just a dream. While Neo was slowly inching towards his workplace, he wondered about the sudden pandemonium in the industry. His wonderings came to an abrupt end when he found an envelope being handed out to him by a man on his seat. He wore a top class tuxedo unlike Neo, who was in rags like a stone age boo boo man.

‘This is for you, Neo’ said Smite.

Neo read the contents of the letter and was astounded. ‘What IS the meaning of this?’

‘Your work here is done Neo. They’ve forgotten you now. They need new resources’

A Major lay-off in the Machine World, I guess.

‘They can’t do this to me! ‘. The sky becomes dark, overcast and lightning strikes. ‘I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!’

Yeah. So?

‘Yeah… So?’

Ha ha. Killer reply.

‘Just checkin’… Well, what the hell am I supposed to do now?’

‘Register in some God forbidden job site and watch it spam your inbox.’

Neo, the goner.

While smirking, Puss pooped on Neo and took his place near Smite.

The world, ladies and gentlemen!

To be continued…

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Chronicles of a Wayside Hero: Part III

Chapter 3: The Past unfold, A Story (better) Untold
Year: Unknown. Day: Many Many days before Previous Day.

‘Hmmm…’ Neo got up from his seat after a long days work. He had been staring at the machines all day. ‘Time to go home…’

Yes. It is time.

Puss in Poops followed him like his tail and was proud that he was the chosen pet for the chosen one. His name was because of regular oil leakage due to a broken valve as a result of gluttony for lubricant cocktails.

Bad drunkard machine cat.

What Puss didn’t know was, after Neo was blinded before his final battle with the TronMaster, he adapted a strategy used by Hercules who used a ball of thread to find his way out of the maze after slaying Minotaur. The slight difference here being Puss and his poop trail. Neo was just being grateful.

Neo reached home in his awkward looking machineworld cab…

This name for the cab is better than “_Object_SquareOn4circles”.

…that looked more like a pile of a worthless dump. His house looked the same. He never knew cost cutting would take its toll to such an extent.

‘Curse this recession’ his daily grin had become permanent giving him more of the Mr. Hyde look, though his behavioral patterns hadn’t changed, yet. His bed looked cozy enough to give him the best of dreams.

Trinity…

Trinity... She was fired, Neo.

‘ahhhh!’ he woke up, startled. His daily ahhhhs became more like a friggin’ alarm clock for the drunken Puss. The cat would then wake up and have his share of curses in his meows and off they went for work. The day that had dawned was no different. No expectations. No hope. Just plain poop.

Neo slowly got up and carried out his daily routine. Brushing teeth looked more like a lethargic steam engine starting after a few years. Nevertheless, work called. At least he thought so.
Neo got into his dump and drove for work expecting a peaceful day ahead.

To be continued…

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Chronicles of a Wayside Hero: Part II

Chapter 2: The Battle of Credentials

Year: Unknown. Day: Next day to Previous Day.

Workstation. Neo reached just in time. His eyes scanned the area for any unusual activity. None, at least for the time being. He knew things were not going to be the same. He had his last drink last night. He knew he had to. It was time the battle was done with. All the what-if questions were going to be answered today.

He waited. Like a tiger preying on an innocent flock. Only difference was, this time it was no flock. He was one of Neo’s own. In the meantime, he started readying his plethora of certificates for the battle to be used like gambits when needed. He knew they wouldn’t help much, still, on this rough road; every trick in the book was valuable.

Then it happened. The much suited opponent with an arsenal equal to or better arrived. Agent Smite. ‘So, we meet again, Neophyte, what’s up with you today?’ He said, in a slow but firm tone.
‘The same that’s up with you, Smite. I’m as jobless as you are.’

‘Then, I guess, you’re still waiting. And so Am I. That puts us in a delicate position as to whether to maintain decorum or …’ and he jumped to occupy the only remaining seat in the office. A mammoth of a jump that Neo didn’t expect. But Morphguy had run a small script in Neo’s reflex event so Neo could react and do the needful. But Neo stood still like a zombie devoid of the eyes of life.

Line 1: Compilation error in Line 351 .Sense Parameter expected.

Smite did the jump through 5 floors and fell off over the edge of the building breaking the glass. Stupid.

Line 1: Jump array index exceeded Upper bounds.

The machine was still unoccupied.

Neo restarted his system by banging his head on the wall 3 times and Smite knew better than to jump. He used the stairs.

Now the titans stood facing each other.

‘You wanna do it old school?’ asked Neo.

‘I’AM Old school, newbie punk. I’ve been jobless for eons.’

‘It’s your way then.’

Now came the time for the credentials. They needed a judge, for the two were said to be extremely knowledgeable or just two plain idiots.

‘huh!, I have certifications in any language you can expect’ said Neo, with a karate chop posture and a certificate in his hand.

The language expert.

‘They ain’t looking for interpreters for a bunch of nomadic Hmongs, rookie’ said Smite. ‘I have the supreme knowledge called “Why” so I can easily figure where things went wrong.’

Ah… The Business Analyst.

‘Smite, with you around, I think we all can.’

The Battle of Credentials

‘Shut up! Or I’ll have you both fired!’ came a voice. It was the Workforce Oracle.

‘Who called her??’ asked both of them to each other.

‘You did’ said the Oracle. ‘Don’t ask me when because I can’t say. But the choice was already made by you. Give me your certificates now and bring me two small bits of paper, would you dear Neo.?’

‘Paper for what?’

‘Lot!’

‘WHAT!?’ came in chorus. ‘What about our certificates then?!?’

‘Oh yes!!! Why don’t we use a bit of them for the lot? Eh??’

‘Was this choice too already made, O naughty Oracle?’

‘Yes, I’m afraid so. And I even know who the winner is going to be’

And so can any other loser.

‘NNNOOOO!!!’ Smite faced an abnormal termination and was ported back to the pool.

Neo got his work terminal. Finally.

To be continued…

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Chronicles of a Wayside Hero: Part I

Chapter 1: The Fool in the Free Pool
Year: Unknown. Day: Previous Day.

The sound of a strange voice in a trance…

Neo… Wake up…

It was getting stronger by the second.

NEO… NEO… NEO

A Banshee…

‘Ahhh!!!’ he woke up, breathing heavily. It was just an alarm from his complicated clock that showed the coordinates of the intersection of his latitudinal position with his longitudinal position in the primary panel and the position of the sun in a secondary panel. The time was calculated from the two measurements which were then verified by a tertiary panel.

Machines made simple life much simpler…

He was still tired. He had been fighting for the machine all day. The fight was colossal and yet he’d been doing it day after day. The Hero, they’d call him.

Neo got up knowing it was the same drill today. He’d have to fight for the machine.

Sometimes, With Great Power comes Great Responsibility, and some other times, it is just brutally expected out of a poor Neophyte.

‘What the hell…’ he slouched and went on to finish off his daily routine and then do his job. He walked slowly for he knew he had precious time left to prepare. At least that’s what he thought. He was drunk the previous night. The hangover was predominant and it showed in his face like he had a ton weighing down from his eye bags.

‘Darn…, everyday… am I the only one chosen?’…

Hence the name The Chosen ONE, dud.

…No answers. He knew every day the result would be the same. The battle wasn’t won yet. He was still one from the Pool.

Next stop- Workstation. He had to get there in time because he knew what to expect.

To be continued…

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The Curious Case of Underdog Millionaire

And there he sat, amidst the bright stage with people biting their nails while their heart skipped more than just a beat, on the hot seat on his road to becoming a millionaire or “millioner” as some people would pronounce it. He couldn’t believe it in the first place that he actually was there. He was sitting on the hot seat of “Who wants to be a Millioner? Part 2”

Already a champ after mysterious circumstances…

I meant the game, not the Oscars. I play safe.

… there he was to make more so the show would attract more viewers than the last time when it hit an all time low…

Again, I meant the game, not the Oscars.

... they hoped to do better this time after having received complaints that million dollar questions such as ‘Who is the third musketeer from the book “The Three Musketeers”?’ were a puzzle even for Leonardo Da Vinci, …

Why wouldn’t it be? Dumas wasn’t even an embryo at that period. Hence the clever phrase.

… the questions were brought down so this time, they explicitly were a part of your own history.
So, the hero, with only 2 more questions to go for his second “victory”, he found it hard to open his eyes for the next question.

Host: Hey man! Don’t worry; this is going to be easy.
Hero: Oh really!? Dim down the over bright lights will you?
Host: Ha ha ha! Such humor from a former Chaiwala! Anyway, here is your 10 Million Rupees question.

“Which part of your body got hit by the famous book “The Three Musketeers” written by Alexander Dumas? Your options are
A. Nose
B. Head
C. Teeth
D. Butt ”

Hero: Hmmm… (intense thrilling music at the background while the hero thinks and rushes through his memories)
Host (to add to the tension): If you get this right, you will move one step closer to winning 20 million rupees.

I know math. So shut up.

The host had given an answer to the hero again, when they met at the restroom. Now the hero remembered being beaten up by the girl bully of his class.

Hero: It’s A. Head
Host (Whispers): Sure? Is it not C. Teeth?
Hero: The way I got hit, I would have an empty garage in my mouth. So, I’m sure it’s A. Head
Host: Are you sure it’s not an empty garage up there?

Sometimes I can be mundane.

Host: Anyway, I’ll lock it. Computer! Please lock A. Head please!

After a deliberate break, the Host shouts in ecstasy that the hero got it right.

Host (slowly): Here is your final and 20 million dollar question!

“What is the name of the book with which you received a bashing at school? Your options are
A. History Book
B. The Three Musketeers
C. The Telephone Directory
D. Beat yourself with Fountain Head by Ayn Rand after reading it “

Hero: hmmm…Gosh! I don’t seem to remember!

That explains the bitter incident, confirming the answer to the previous question.

Host: Well, you have one life line left. It’s called “Phone your girlfriend”. You have time for personal questions too as the number has been added to our “Closed User Groups”. So, the call is free of charge.

The Hero calls up his girlfriend and asks her the question.

Girlfriend: Are you alright??
Hero (Elated): Yes, I am!
Girlfriend: Well...Your psychiatrist asked you not to recall such memories for your well being sake.

And the call cut abruptly. It was a Vodafone number.

Hero: hmmm… ok… I’m guessing it. Here goes… it’s B. The Three Musketeers.
Host: Are you sure?
Hero: Yes. You can lock it without further mundane questions.
Host: Computer! Please Lock B. The Three Musketeers.

As usual, a music for the thrill, which obviously ended on a happy note as the host and the hero were ecstatic after winning “Who wants to be a Millioner? Part 2”!

Needless to say, another director venturing into India made a movie out of it.

The Movie won 8 Oscars.

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Loo-Dough!

Before I begin, a simple question that I want to put forth. What would be the questions, if any, that someone would ask themselves before deciding which restaurant to set foot on?

1. Is the restaurant good?
2. How different is the restaurant?
3. Quality of food.
4. Service.

I guess these would be the basic questions which were answered when I recently went to a restaurant close to where I work. The only thing- the answers were least like what I had expected them to be.

When I entered the gent’s restroom, I found out that it was quite spacious and housed a loo junction, 2 closets and guess what?...A pantry. Yes. A Pantry, in case the hotel has to cater for an extra hungry overgrown hulk who is the ambassador for promoting obesity.

The Testimony - Please click on the picture for an enlarged view

The door was closed but that didn’t stop my thoughts rushing through my brain like it was on fire. Speculations on whether the door led to a food factory aside. Being a normal guy, instead of venturing into the “friendly” neighboring door pantry, I just walked out, paid my bill and left.

Being a major aberration from reality- I had my questions answered.

1. Is the restaurant good?
I’ve never felt this stupid… till now.
2. How different is the restaurant?
Definitely not something that I will see in any other restaurant in the eons to come.
3. Quality of food?
Food… From?
4. Service.
Hmmm…It doesn't matter when we are served a smiling human head on a platter.

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Hare Ram!

The day was peaceful for the shepherd, for he had worries none. He thought nothing could go wrong. He gave a friendly pat to his donkey to run his mill, so he could produce something for the day. The donkey refused to budge. He tried asking her why. No answer. He cursed God.

The shepherd couldn’t help but think that God had other plans. But, he wouldn’t let that interfere. Thankful that he had a sense more than the herd, he lured the donkey to the park so the animal could have some fresh air grazing.

I’m smarter than you, ol’ donkey. Ha!

Having succeeded in his first act, the shepherd took out his beedi and smoked in peace till he saw a group of men approaching him. They were clad in white, had long hair that was more an oil repository and a forehead that had a dump of kumkum that a tanker in the near vicinity speeding at a 100km/hr would stop before a mile's measure.

What now?

Men: Oi! What are you doing here??
Shepherd: The usual. What’s your business in it?
Men: Whose donkey is that?
Shepherd (gleaming with pride): She’s mine.
Men: She, eh?

Yeah, wisecrack. Don’t you see the distinctive factor?

Men: What are you doing out here, Today?
Shepherd: What sort of a question is this? She was down, so I brought her here for a stroll.
Group head to other men: Heard that?
Group Head: Now, you are going to do as we say. Alright? We have the police with us, if you resist.

Seeing the group manhandling the donkey…

Shepherd: Leave her alone! What did she do!?
Head: Yeah, in a minute.

The man bent down near the donkey and caught hold of one of its legs and handed it a rakhi.

The shepherd cursed himself for cursing God. The Lord works in mysterious ways. He, now, found it difficult to identify which his donkey was, among the group. So he waited. In fact, prayed.

Hare Ram!

The donkey trampled the head hard so he would think more than twice to even take a piss, let alone do anything more. Then she looked at her master with fond eyes.

I’m braver than you, ol’ Man! Ha!

Having distinguished his donkey from the others by its portrayal of sensible courage, the shepherd rode the donkey home and gave her the rest of the day off. The head lay in the park with his clothing torn exposing the pink undergarment that he wore..

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Injun on the Road

At the rate at which the population is growing- exponentially, I’d say, in the most literal sense, the place has become a pigsty. I don’t think pigs can cross the road with caution. I don’t think pigs can drive unless they drive you crazy. And I don’t think pigs have even the first sense, let alone the rest. Nor do the people on these roads.

Chapter 1: Prerequisites and Primary Objectives

1. Be blind. Not being so has a high probability of your internal organs to be re assembled. Example- The heart in your mouth.
2. Helmet is protection. Armor is closed protection. Neither is closed casket.
3. Mastered the ‘8’? Now, master 7.5, 3.45, 11.7 and 2.75. Preferably by doing the wheelie. There just isn’t enough space on the road for two wheels.
4. A pocket dictionary of vulgarity. A special edition that covers more than 4 national and international languages is preferred. Knowing it inside out makes you king of the road.
5. Always remember, paint the town red. Take it in any sense you want. Be it the slang or spitting a red blob of a sorry aftereffect from a paan shop on the road.

Chapter 2: Getting Started

1. Now that the primary objectives are complete. Let’s start. Vrooom, vroooom…
2. Use a helmet that only partially covers your head. You have to practice multitasking by messaging and talking while driving.
3. Remember, a brake can damage your vehicle and your speed sense.

Chapter 3: Yes, It’s your Grandpa’s road

1. All the middle road’s a stage.
2. Be it walking, driving or a strip tease, the middle of the road is the best. People need a little entertainment amidst their driving.

Chapter 4: The Juggernaut

1. Stopping is a sin. Whatever happens, don’t stop. Be it spitting, vomiting, taking a piss or any other activity that our drivers do on road.

Chapter 5: An Armored Juggernaut is King

1. The helmet has multiple roles.
2. When, under an unavoidable circumstance of overtaking a bus, a silent projectile from inside the bus, can leave you cursing the innocent crows.
3. When you follow a fellow injun practicing chapter 4, you don’t want to taste his excreta.
4. When YOU practice chapter 4, you need your head in place, if not your brain, to keep practicing.

Chapter 6: I Know what you did Last Corner

1. When a loser overtakes you, hang on to him with your hook and don’t give up until you step on his carcass.
2. Now that’s painting the town red.

Chapter 7: I Still know what you did Last Corner

1. Vendetta is the secret of the skill.
2. If you can’t inflict pain on the loser, work your ass off, buy a bus and play prowler till the loser becomes a sorry pile of worthless garbage on the road.

Chapter 8: Burning Rubber

1. Now that you’re equipped with skills that our people naturally possess, Go, show who’s King.

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Larry Recommends...

Recession, I guess, has a domino effect. Example- The Gemini Mind. The lower the state of the economy, the harder we work. The harder we work, the busier the day gets. The busier the day gets, the more my blog sleeps. But, the truth is that everyone likes to earn a little extra weight to their wallets when they can. And during the recession, you don’t say.

Well, freshers like us have a reason probably. But, what intrigued me the most is about how low the American economy has got. The supermarket near my place is proving to be a good teacher after the “polymorphism incident”.

Lessons learnt:
1. Larry King PROBABLY is ‘diabatic’
2. Larry King PROBABLY lost his endorsements
3. Larry King PROBABLY has filed for bankruptcy
4. Larry King Live PROBABLY became Karan Thapar Offline (talk of Indians stealing American’s jobs)

Larry's recommendation

DISCLAIMER: The person in the picture is PROBABLY that of a quintessential diabetic. Any resemblance to a person living, dead OR Larry King is purely coincidental.

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