Tuesday, February 24, 2009

The Curious Case of Underdog Millionaire

And there he sat, amidst the bright stage with people biting their nails while their heart skipped more than just a beat, on the hot seat on his road to becoming a millionaire or “millioner” as some people would pronounce it. He couldn’t believe it in the first place that he actually was there. He was sitting on the hot seat of “Who wants to be a Millioner? Part 2”

Already a champ after mysterious circumstances…

I meant the game, not the Oscars. I play safe.

… there he was to make more so the show would attract more viewers than the last time when it hit an all time low…

Again, I meant the game, not the Oscars.

... they hoped to do better this time after having received complaints that million dollar questions such as ‘Who is the third musketeer from the book “The Three Musketeers”?’ were a puzzle even for Leonardo Da Vinci, …

Why wouldn’t it be? Dumas wasn’t even an embryo at that period. Hence the clever phrase.

… the questions were brought down so this time, they explicitly were a part of your own history.
So, the hero, with only 2 more questions to go for his second “victory”, he found it hard to open his eyes for the next question.

Host: Hey man! Don’t worry; this is going to be easy.
Hero: Oh really!? Dim down the over bright lights will you?
Host: Ha ha ha! Such humor from a former Chaiwala! Anyway, here is your 10 Million Rupees question.

Which part of your body got hit by the famous book “The Three Musketeers” written by Alexander Dumas? Your options are
A. Nose
B. Head
C. Teeth
D. Butt

Hero: Hmmm… (intense thrilling music at the background while the hero thinks and rushes through his memories)
Host (to add to the tension): If you get this right, you will move one step closer to winning 20 million rupees.

I know math. So shut up.

The host had given an answer to the hero again, when they met at the restroom. Now the hero remembered being beaten up by the girl bully of his class.

Hero: It’s A. Head
Host (Whispers): Sure? Is it not C. Teeth?
Hero: The way I got hit, I would have an empty garage in my mouth. So, I’m sure it’s A. Head
Host: Are you sure it’s not an empty garage up there?

Sometimes I can be mundane.

Host: Anyway, I’ll lock it. Computer! Please lock A. Head please!

After a deliberate break, the Host shouts in ecstasy that the hero got it right.

Host (slowly):
Here is your final and 20 million dollar question!

What is the name of the book with which you received a bashing at school? Your options are
A. History Book
B. The Three Musketeers
C. The Telephone Directory
D. Beat yourself with Fountain Head by Ayn Rand after reading it

Hero: hmmm…Gosh! I don’t seem to remember!

That explains the bitter incident, confirming the answer to the previous question.

Host: Well, you have one life line left. It’s called “Phone your girlfriend”. You have time for personal questions too as the number has been added to our “Closed User Groups”. So, the call is free of charge.

The Hero calls up his girlfriend and asks her the question.

Girlfriend: Are you alright??
Hero (Elated): Yes, I am!
Girlfriend: Well...Your psychiatrist asked you not to recall such memories for your well being sake.

And the call cut abruptly. It was a Vodafone number.

Hero: hmmm… ok… I’m guessing it. Here goes… it’s B. The Three Musketeers.
Host: Are you sure?
Hero: Yes. You can lock it without further mundane questions.
Host: Computer! Please Lock B. The Three Musketeers.

As usual, a music for the thrill, which obviously ended on a happy note as the host and the hero were ecstatic after winning “Who wants to be a Millioner? Part 2”!

Needless to say, another director venturing into India made a movie out of it.

The Movie won 8 Oscars.

Saturday, February 21, 2009


Before I begin, a simple question that I want to put forth. What would be the questions, if any, that someone would ask themselves before deciding which restaurant to set foot on?

1. Is the restaurant good?
2. How different is the restaurant?
3. Quality of food.
4. Service.

I guess these would be the basic questions which were answered when I recently went to a restaurant close to where I work. The only thing- the answers were least like what I had expected them to be.

When I entered the gent’s restroom, I found out that it was quite spacious and housed a loo junction, 2 closets and guess what?...A pantry. Yes. A Pantry, in case the hotel has to cater for an extra hungry overgrown hulk who is the ambassador for promoting obesity.

The Testimony - Please click on the picture for an enlarged view

The door was closed but that didn’t stop my thoughts rushing through my brain like it was on fire. Speculations on whether the door led to a food factory aside. Being a normal guy, instead of venturing into the “friendly” neighboring door pantry, I just walked out, paid my bill and left.

Being a major aberration from reality- I had my questions answered.

1. Is the restaurant good?
I’ve never felt this stupid… till now.
2. How different is the restaurant?
Definitely not something that I will see in any other restaurant in the eons to come.
3. Quality of food?
Food… From?
4. Service.
Hmmm…It doesn't matter when we are served a smiling human head on a platter.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Hare Ram!

The day was peaceful for the shepherd, for he had worries none. He thought nothing could go wrong. He gave a friendly pat to his donkey to run his mill, so he could produce something for the day. The donkey refused to budge. He tried asking her why. No answer. He cursed God.

The shepherd couldn’t help but think that God had other plans. But, he wouldn’t let that interfere. Thankful that he had a sense more than the herd, he lured the donkey to the park so the animal could have some fresh air grazing.

I’m smarter than you, ol’ donkey. Ha!

Having succeeded in his first act, the shepherd took out his beedi and smoked in peace till he saw a group of men approaching him. They were clad in white, had long hair that was more an oil repository and a forehead that had a dump of kumkum that a tanker in the near vicinity speeding at a 100km/hr would stop before a mile's measure.

What now?

Men: Oi! What are you doing here??
Shepherd: The usual. What’s your business in it?
Men: Whose donkey is that?
Shepherd (gleaming with pride): She’s mine.
Men: She, eh?

Yeah, wisecrack. Don’t you see the distinctive factor?

Men: What are you doing out here, Today?
Shepherd: What sort of a question is this? She was down, so I brought her here for a stroll.
Group head to other men: Heard that?
Group Head: Now, you are going to do as we say. Alright? We have the police with us, if you resist.

Seeing the group manhandling the donkey…

Shepherd: Leave her alone! What did she do!?
Head: Yeah, in a minute.

The man bent down near the donkey and caught hold of one of its legs and handed it a rakhi.

The shepherd cursed himself for cursing God. The Lord works in mysterious ways. He, now, found it difficult to identify which his donkey was, among the group. So he waited. In fact, prayed.

Hare Ram!

The donkey trampled the head hard so he would think more than twice to even take a piss, let alone do anything more. Then she looked at her master with fond eyes.

I’m braver than you, ol’ Man! Ha!

Having distinguished his donkey from the others by its portrayal of sensible courage, the shepherd rode the donkey home and gave her the rest of the day off. The head lay in the park with his clothing torn exposing the pink undergarment that he wore..

Saturday, February 07, 2009

Injun on the Road

At the rate at which the population is growing- exponentially, I’d say, in the most literal sense, the place has become a pigsty. I don’t think pigs can cross the road with caution. I don’t think pigs can drive unless they drive you crazy. And I don’t think pigs have even the first sense, let alone the rest. Nor do the people on these roads.

Chapter 1: Prerequisites and Primary Objectives

1. Be blind. Not being so has a high probability of your internal organs to be re assembled. Example- The heart in your mouth.
2. Helmet is protection. Armor is closed protection. Neither is closed casket.
3. Mastered the ‘8’? Now, master 7.5, 3.45, 11.7 and 2.75. Preferably by doing the wheelie. There just isn’t enough space on the road for two wheels.
4. A pocket dictionary of vulgarity. A special edition that covers more than 4 national and international languages is preferred. Knowing it inside out makes you king of the road.
5. Always remember, paint the town red. Take it in any sense you want. Be it the slang or spitting a red blob of a sorry aftereffect from a paan shop on the road.

Chapter 2: Getting Started

1. Now that the primary objectives are complete. Let’s start. Vrooom, vroooom…
2. Use a helmet that only partially covers your head. You have to practice multitasking by messaging and talking while driving.
3. Remember, a brake can damage your vehicle and your speed sense.

Chapter 3: Yes, It’s your Grandpa’s road

1. All the middle road’s a stage.
2. Be it walking, driving or a strip tease, the middle of the road is the best. People need a little entertainment amidst their driving.

Chapter 4: The Juggernaut

1. Stopping is a sin. Whatever happens, don’t stop. Be it spitting, vomiting, taking a piss or any other activity that our drivers do on road.

Chapter 5: An Armored Juggernaut is King

1. The helmet has multiple roles.
2. When, under an unavoidable circumstance of overtaking a bus, a silent projectile from inside the bus, can leave you cursing the innocent crows.
3. When you follow a fellow injun practicing chapter 4, you don’t want to taste his excreta.
4. When YOU practice chapter 4, you need your head in place, if not your brain, to keep practicing.

Chapter 6: I Know what you did Last Corner

1. When a loser overtakes you, hang on to him with your hook and don’t give up until you step on his carcass.
2. Now that’s painting the town red.

Chapter 7: I Still know what you did Last Corner

1. Vendetta is the secret of the skill.
2. If you can’t inflict pain on the loser, work your ass off, buy a bus and play prowler till the loser becomes a sorry pile of worthless garbage on the road.

Chapter 8: Burning Rubber

1. Now that you’re equipped with skills that our people naturally possess, Go, show who’s King.