This is just a musing on what would happen if India hosted the Fifa World Cup though I think I have gone a bit too far in calling it in 2014. For a change, India qualifies. Yeah right... only because it acts as the host.
Opening Ceremony and Miscellaneous:
The opening ceremony which should start by 5:30 would start by 6 after a constant yapping in the studio by 3 people who can’t just shut up for a while.
The opening ceremony will boast of performances by A.R. Rahman, Deepika Padukone and other bollywood stars who just haven’t performed enough till now. Rahman might perform his “legendary” Jai Ho and be off with it. Then there will be a meaningless stage dance by Deepika/ Katrina Kaif which is of no relevance to the competition or one that portrays not one bit of the culture of India. Ultra creative.
The very little Culture left.
Thus all performances pertaining to our cultural dances which vary from state to state enough to entertain people for hours together and the cultural music of India which is just beyond count, is all forgotten. Then there are fireworks.
Ah! The fireworks!
There will be a sponsor blimp that is afloat till the tournament comes to an end though no one will have a clue why it is so. The camera will focus on it from time to time regardless of how irritating it is to people watching it on TV. And the commentators too, will keep ecstatically saying “There it is… the blimp!”
god... we all know it. It’s the friggin’ millionth time you’re saying it.
The Match:
The match will begin in the normal fashion that it is supposed to. Then do the stars make their appearances. Shah Rukh Khan will arrive on the premises and the camera instantly focuses on him. Shah Rukh (with his teeny tiny brains) will wave to the spectators with nil regard to who the heroes of the occasion are. We, kind (sometimes brainless) Indians, wave back.
Incase you didn’t guess who the heroes are, they are the players. Duh.
Everytime the ball is picked up by the Goalkeeper, in that tiny timeframe of 2 seconds, Maxmobile will advertise its products. Again, it’s one of the most frustrating things you experience when you’re watching Live Television.
Yeh mera Max mobile. Mera... Shut up you moron! you’re killing the game mood man.
The camera then focuses on the blimp and when it comes back, Italy is reduced to 10 men. TV watchers are clueless how it happened.
After the first half, there will be an interview of Katrina Kaif when she lies that she loves football and that she has been following it since her childhood. Pele and Maradona are her favorites. My 2 year old nephew can say those names. Please Katrina, go back to your stuffy caravan and also, learn to act, for a change.
And then the second half begins and finally the match ends. That’s about enough match coverage. Really.
The Team:
Oh yeah… I forgot… You’ve gotta be kiddin’ me.
