A Conversation with a Religious Fanatic

I happened to have this conversation with a professor who works in my University back in India. I was hoping to have a mature conversation on freedom of expression. To my surprise, I happened to experience, something, I thought I should share. The persona of hate and irrationality fuelled by Religious Dogma embodied by this cantankerous professor (to my grave surprise). I do not blame him (I do blame the environment he might have been brought up in) but I certainly am very disappointed that people continue to impede societal progress with such narrowminded convictions and more importantly such people find a place in teaching institutions, where the future of our nation is shaped. Bear with me through the whole conversation and you will definitely understand my concern and, hopefully, empathise
.

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A Chain of things to come

The good thing about today is its officially spring.
The good thing about spring is it is warm.
The good thing about warm is it isn't cold.
The good thing about cold is there aren't ants.
The good thing about ants is they form a line.
The good thing about a line is it is a symbol of organisation.
The good thing about organisation is it's patterns.
The good thing about patterns is their predictability.
The good thing about predictability is it is not anarchy.
The good thing about anarchy is it makes a deadly opponent.
The good thing about a deadly opponent is the presented challenge.
The good thing about a challenge is it is a test.
The good thing about a test is it has an outcome.
The good thing about an outcome is the victory.
The good thing about victory is the gratification.
The good thing about gratification is the sense of purpose.
The good thing about a sense of purpose is the ideal.
The good thing about an ideal is the direction.
The good thing about direction is the target.
The good thing about a target is it's connection to the source.
The good thing about a source is it's traceability.
The good thing about traceability is coming full circle.
The good thing about coming full circle is the big picture.
The good thing about a big picture is the organisation.
The good thing about organisation is it's pattern.
The good thing about a pattern is it's predictability.
The good thing about predictability is it makes an easy target.
The good thing about an easy target is it's vulnerability to bug spray.
The good thing about bug spray is it kills ants.
The good thing about ants is they are an organisation -predictable and thus vulnerable to bug spray.

Its spring... and the ants have taken my dessert. Its now official. Its Me versus the Ants. 

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The She that Wanted to Be - III

August 15th, 2013.

With all the pseudo-patriotic "Statuses" floating around Facebook proudly proclaiming themselves as Indians and India being the best country in the world despite it's obvious major problems including rampant corruption, rape, infanticides, sectarian politics and too much cricket, I decided to add one more to the list- Having this conversation with her impulsive self.

"Hey, Happy Independence day", I said. Very normally.

"Happy Independence day to you too! India is the best country in the world!" She exclaimed.

"Is that supposed to be patriotism?"

"Yes! I'm proud to be an Indian!"

I didn't want to quote George Bernard Shaw and George Carlin on national and ethnic pride but I decided to avoid it lest I suffer burn injuries. Instead, I decided to play along.

"Then why do you reside in the US?"

"Because US is the go-to place and the money is good!"

"Are you saying you'd give up your principles for money?" Might say a lot about her if she had said yes.

"No No! Because my job sent me there."

"Why would you leave the best country in the world because your job sends you somewhere else?"

"Because my job is important to me! That's why!"

"So you'd put your self-interest before your country. Then why would you call yourself patriotic?"

"I'M PATRIOTIC BECAUSE I THINK I AM. Now you can bugger off!" Ah the cogito.

An Indian living in the US using a British slang... Hmm.. I'm guessing she was just being polite with the word bugger.

"So it's just a feeling. You don't know why you love your country though?"

You played the bugger card too soon milady

At this point, I had already put on my shoes to ready myself when she chases me like a reaper. Her kind-hearted self decided to give up instead.

Dedicated to all the skin-deep patriots "proud" Indians. 

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Face Palm on a Holiday

Its the 6th of November and its a public holiday here in Melbourne, the occasion being the Melbourne Cup- Australia's major thoroughbred horse race with dressy men and dressier women (Drinking and watching the race, Not riding them). Famously tag-lined as "The race that stops a nation", it is indeed true, because its 2:00 pm and I'm just crawling out of bed. After a hard week at work, I didn't want to leave the comfort of my cosy sponge heaven. So I just lay there with this weird thought in my head.

What is it that Tony Stark has that Bruce Wayne can never have?

One part of my brain is speaking for Tony Stark while the other is speaking for Bruce Wayne.

Tony Stark has shit loads of money.

So does Bruce!

Tony Stark has the Stark empire!

Bruce Wayne has Wayne enterprises. Stalemate. 

Tony Stark has a fancy suit.

Yeah.. like Bruce walks around in his pyjamas.

I meant his Iron Man suit, fool.

Oh right! And what's Batman meant to be? 

Tony Stark has the lovely Pepper Potts!

Bruce Wayne has the sexy Selina Kyle!

Iron Man has Jarvis!

Batman has Robin.

Ok, both looking equally gay now.

Iron Man can fly!

Batman has The Bat! Ha!

Iron Man has the repulsor rays.

Batman has the utility belt!

.
.
A moments silence and then.. Yes! I have it!

Tony Stark can have facial hair.

Bruce Wayne can... wait... !? Noooooooo!!

I snapped back and backtracked this weird train of thought and realised its also the time for the annual event Movember when, during the month of November, people grow a Moustache to raise awareness towards prostate cancer and other male cancer initiatives (Wikipedia). So I'm sporting a Mo :)

Nevertheless, Well played Mr. Stan Lee, Well played.

I need to get out more.

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I Am that I Am

Pointers
1. The Red A is to support Prof. Richard Dawkins's (and the rest) promotion of Secularism
2. For the biblical explanation on what "I Am that I Am" is, go to http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I_Am_that_I_Am
3. This is my play on the statement from the scriptures
4. The Science 1:1 is on purpose based on the font called "The Dreamer" as a tribute to the truly elegant minds of our scientists
5. 1:1 is to indicate that this would be the first sentence in the book of science (if there is one) signifying that Science is all permeating and "Science will be what Science will be"
6. 1:1 also signifies that there is no scaling of the truth of science according to ones own tastes. The truth is absolute.
7. I'm planning to get this on a Tee :)

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Fifa World Cup 2014 – India

This is just a musing on what would happen if India hosted the Fifa World Cup though I think I have gone a bit too far in calling it in 2014. For a change, India qualifies. Yeah right... only because it acts as the host.

Opening Ceremony and Miscellaneous:

The opening ceremony which should start by 5:30 would start by 6 after a constant yapping in the studio by 3 people who can’t just shut up for a while.

The opening ceremony will boast of performances by A.R. Rahman, Deepika Padukone and other bollywood stars who just haven’t performed enough till now. Rahman might perform his “legendary” Jai Ho and be off with it. Then there will be a meaningless stage dance by Deepika/ Katrina Kaif which is of no relevance to the competition or one that portrays not one bit of the culture of India. Ultra creative.

The very little Culture left.

Thus all performances pertaining to our cultural dances which vary from state to state enough to entertain people for hours together and the cultural music of India which is just beyond count, is all forgotten. Then there are fireworks.

Ah! The fireworks!

There will be a sponsor blimp that is afloat till the tournament comes to an end though no one will have a clue why it is so. The camera will focus on it from time to time regardless of how irritating it is to people watching it on TV. And the commentators too, will keep ecstatically saying “There it is… the blimp!”

god... we all know it. It’s the friggin’ millionth time you’re saying it.

The Match:

The match will begin in the normal fashion that it is supposed to. Then do the stars make their appearances. Shah Rukh Khan will arrive on the premises and the camera instantly focuses on him. Shah Rukh (with his teeny tiny brains) will wave to the spectators with nil regard to who the heroes of the occasion are. We, kind (sometimes brainless) Indians, wave back.

Incase you didn’t guess who the heroes are, they are the players. Duh.

Everytime the ball is picked up by the Goalkeeper, in that tiny timeframe of 2 seconds, Maxmobile will advertise its products. Again, it’s one of the most frustrating things you experience when you’re watching Live Television.

Yeh mera Max mobile. Mera... Shut up you moron! you’re killing the game mood man.

The camera then focuses on the blimp and when it comes back, Italy is reduced to 10 men. TV watchers are clueless how it happened.

After the first half, there will be an interview of Katrina Kaif when she lies that she loves football and that she has been following it since her childhood. Pele and Maradona are her favorites. My 2 year old nephew can say those names. Please Katrina, go back to your stuffy caravan and also, learn to act, for a change.

And then the second half begins and finally the match ends. That’s about enough match coverage. Really.

The Team:

Oh yeah… I forgot… You’ve gotta be kiddin’ me.

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The She that Wanted to Be - II

"Hey! .. How was your day?" She asked.

"Quite hectic. With the marriage nearing, I couldn't ask for more."

"Mine's been hectic too."

I knew she was gonna say that. After spending years trying to get to know her, i could not make the mistake of misjudgment.

My day was hectic, so was hers. Mine was damn bad, so was hers. I had a huge friend's circle, she had an even bigger one. So she thought.

"So, A long weekend comin' your way.. big plans?"

"yep. I want to learn 4 languages. I want to learn to play the piano. And I want to draw my own caricature on a big paper." she said.

A long weekend is usually 3 days. Not a lifetime.

"Great. So, when do you plan to start?"

"Tomorrow. Today, has been hectic!"

"What!? you don't even work!"

"Its been hard.."

"To whhat?"

"To find a mystery egg."

I took out a gun and shot her. No. I wanted to do that... But she would have mauled me in the afterlife.

I just laughed while sulking.

Ban farmville. Get a life.

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Why Whine Wine

1. Starts with one generation. Ends with another.

2. Too much of it in a day might knock you off.

3. Too much of it for a period of time will cause brain degeneration.

4. Is not sweet.

5. Kept to rot and that’s how others enjoy it.

6. Goes well with food.

7. After enough attraction sometimes it is all one can talk about.

8. The more the age, the more the value.

9. Stands the test of time.

10. Some lonely people consider it an indispensible companion.

Oh yeah... there is one subtle difference though.

Wine is heaven. A Television serial isn't.

Much as i'm against serials, i'm not against all of them. There are a few good stuff. Frankly, the majority is for nincompoops.

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Beware of this Post

It’s a known fact that the great minds work in the loo. Mine is no different.

I meant to say, mine works in the loo too, though useful thoughts hardly pass through.

Hey! That rhymes!

Sigh… Anyway…

I was just thinking, about some warning signs put up by dog owners outside their homes to warn strangers about them and that there isn’t one way of warning them without someone making a comment about it.

Some of them read

Beware of Dogs:

Thanks for the general advice but mine is quite friendly. Seriously.

Beware of the Dog:

Man… No offence… but is your dog the last surviving member of the species? No? Let me guess, was he the dog that the Greek God Hades petted? No no… wait… that was Cerebrus… which one is yours, again?

Beware: Dogs Inside:

Ha ha ha ha!! What do I say!? What CAN one say!? I know you have family issues, but please don't rebuke them in public...

So I guess the best would be to just hang something like this outside and let your dog and the stranger take care of the rest.

Image courtesy: Google images - http://planetzuther.com/OTHER-IMAGES/dogIcon.png

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Marriage Miscommunication

The other day my mom and I went around inviting people for a marriage that’s coming up in my family. This conversation happened when I met an uncle that I haven’t seen for years together.

Uncle: Hello! Vango vango! (Welcome Welcome!)

Me: Hello Uncle! Epdi Irukkel? (How are you?)

Uncle: I’m Fine pa! How are you? How’s appa? And hows your sister? It’s been quite a long time!

I didn’t know how to prioritize my answers. So I generalized it.

Me: All is well…

Then he turned to my mom who was chatting with maami..

Uncle: Paayan nanna valandhutaan! (Your boy has become a grown up. I hope that’s what he meant.) I used to see him wearing only his underwear as a smaal kid and roaming about with eyes just barely open.

Grrrrr… If you miss it so much, I can do that again but now, the other people have to walk with their eyes just barely open.

Then all of them exchanged pleasantries and some catching up.

Me: Uncle… There’s a marriage coming up in our family.

Uncle: I guessed! Right when I spotted you, the grown up! So, who’s the girl?

Me: The girl is my sister.

Uncle: Eh!?!?

I could see his literal shock. Believe me, it was a prank unexpected and I couldn’t help but laugh.

Thankfully my mom swooped in…

Mom: Its my daughter thats getting married :) He still has a long way to go.

Apparently after this incident, I think I do.

And then mom told what needed to be told while I kept my mouth shut. With a wry smile of course.

And then we had the customary juice and when I left, I could still see mama sensing my grin.

Anyway, for all you folks here, my sister, Ms. Janani, a journalist, is getting married to Mr. Sikkil Gurucharan who is a carnatic vocalist on the 23rd of May, 2010!

So a big family function coming up my way!

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A Different Gift

Afterlife- On this realm.

After one’s death, various rituals are performed on the basis of symbolism. Like in the Hindu mythology, the ash which is the residue and the only remains of the person in this material world besides memories after the funeral pyre dies, is collected. The pot is kept near a drawing representing the person in the guise of a stick figure. Food, an umbrella, a fan and a pair of slippers are given to aid the soul for its final journey where it is judged and tested. The ash is then taken and dissolved in a holy river. Then we believe that the soul reaches a higher place to watch over us or sometimes is reborn. Symbolism. Though this knowledge has been passed on to us through the ancient ways, no one really knows what happens.

Afterlife- A Perception.

What is afterlife?

Do you take up another body and wander the ethereal world?

Does that body have the same organs that you once processed?

Do you feel pain when it is inflicted in the ethereal world?

If you do, do you feel it through your senses?

If you do, aren’t your senses dependent on your organs?

If you don’t, then what good is your body after you die when it is independent of your afterlife?

My answer is, frankly, I don’t know. Irrespective of what the various mythologies quote.

All I’m saying is no one knows what happens in the afterlife. We might not need what we have now then. If we can donate money and the sorts when we are alive and a piece of paper called the 'will' that can transfer everything you own to your loved ones, why hesitate to donate your organs to the needy? Once the inevitable happens, some organs are still functional and can be transplanted to be used on someone else who might require it. This is your chance.

If only I had a chance

To set things right

If only I had a second chance.

To bring darkness to light.

To live my life once again.

To do things that I haven't.

Only, I don’t know if I do.

Not everyone is bestowed with a second chance. But we have the power to bestow a second chance, the gift of life, to someone in need. That power… is within us. The power to become an organ donor. I do not know how useful I am when I’m alive. But I know how useful I can make myself when I’m gone.

I decided to become an organ donor today. And you?

For information on being an organ donor, visit http://www.kghospital.com/pdf/organ_donation.pdf

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Whatever They Say...

Its more than just about time I got this out of me. It’s been in me long enough that now it has to come out. Beliefs. What about them? Recently, I’ve been exposed to a lot of these “beliefs” that lacks any proper explanation but for the orthodox sake of it, a deed remains to be undone.

In some cases, Jatakas, by which some people swear by. Some astrologers read the prediction of one’s life from the alignment of the stars at the moment you were born. A rare talent, one must agree. But like any other skill, a lot of its techniques have been tampered with. And I can swear that I saw a book titled, “learn astrology in 30 days”… why? So the astrologer can write a beautiful script of a story and use his clients as characters in them? Every prediction is math. Based on current events and given inputs, there should be a definitive output. And if a result of math fails, it is bad math. Some results of math are based on approximation. And one can frankly say that not all marriages that have been performed after a proper jataka match have been a success and not all marriages that have defied its jataka predictions have been a failure. If this is the result, then the math here is an approximation. Things MIGHT happen, things MIGHT not. And conveniently, most of the cases say, Jatakas don’t apply to love marriages. What the hell is this statement? Did God create a being and place a condition before his future that solely depended on an “if”? If its math, and if it’s a result, it should be universal. If jatakas are truly right, then even for love marriages, the two people meeting and liking each other should have been a “meant to be” and their jatakas matching should have been the result. That when we can say the math has truly worked out.

Karma. Well well. I’m a firm believer of karma. Only sometimes, I got questions. The more good one does, the more good one receives in return. But then, anyone can deduce from what’s happening these days, classic example being our politicians, that the rule of karma is either failing or not immediate. The politicians, they rape anything that comes by, from their motherland to natural fuel to women and still, are men held of high status. And our people promptly say that “he will be punished…. One day… his deeds don’t go unnoticed”. I totally agree. His deeds don’t go unnoticed. They just go unaccounted. I don’t see the great flood coming either. All the while, the honest man’s day goes like he’s being trampled and squished by parade of elephants.

The time of Saturn or Sani. The lamest excuse one can give when things are not going right. Sometimes, people fear to do things when they are under the power of Saturn. According to the ancient beliefs, a particular time of Saturn upon someone is said to cause death. Hence people refrain from driving, flying, anger (sometimes can indirectly contribute to death) etc. What they have forgotten is that they can fall to their death by some water spilt on the bathroom floor or while descending a flight of stairs. But no, Saturn has a particular way of performing his duties. He indulges in skilled performances like traffic accidents and the likes. I got just one thing to say, Live free for a day instead of living a lifetime in fear.

The final call being, all three types mentioned above are interrelated. Out of the tree, anything can be used when there’s an opportunity to blame or use as an excuse.

With all due respect to a lot of beliefs that are genuine, a lot of them aren’t as they have just evolved from various other beliefs and convention systems. Beliefs can be used as a guide but not to steer people’s lives. Assume nothing. Question everything. Hope is what we strive with. Hope is what we have when we do something. Hope is what we have when we want something to happen. Carpe Diem is the formula of the day or die a sorry loser.

This post is a result of my exposure to things and my beliefs alone. The perspective may be different on the other shore.

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Kadaa

Kadaa – Scapegoat.

You know you’re suffering from the Kadaa syndrome when…

1. When your dad asks you to shop for his clothes, alone, by giving you his shirt size but asks you to accompany him to the saloon even when you don’t need a haircut, you know you are a Kadaa.

2. When ONLY mom and dad are involved in a tiff, mom says something about dad to which dad retaliates asking 'WHAT DID YOU SAY?' to which mom coolly saves herself by replying 'I was talking about him' and points to you, you know you are a Typical Kadaa.

3. When your sister asks you to check on the firecracker she lit, that’s still smoking but not yet gone kaboom, you know you are a Classic Kadaa.

4. When your dad accuses you of being sloppy when you dropped the remote but later drops it himself and blames his old age, you know you are an Aattu Kadaa.

5. When your mom accuses you of just putting on unhealthy weight and that her requests are falling on deaf ears like a buffalo in the rain, you know you are a Yeruma Kadaa.

6. When your parents shout at you for sleeping all day like a log after filling your stomach with home food and spending your energy by playing your PlayStation, you know you are a Dhanda Kadaa.

Glossary:

Kadaa – Scapegoat

Aattu Kadaa – Scapegoat (younger version)

Yeruma – Buffalo

Dhanda/ Dhandam- Jobless &/or Good for nothing

Lessons learnt: None. Whatsoever.

image courtesy : Google images - http://anxietypanichealth.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/07/scapegoat-cartoon-sm.jpg

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Colors of the G Spectrum

India saw the advent of the G spectrum which is a good sign. Considering our tax money paid for the extra commission for the king as well is... ahem...

Here is the simple commission formula

For 2G

2X 100 Crores = 200 Crores = Commission

For 3G

3X 100 Crores = 300 Crores = Commission

For 4G

4X 100 Crores = 400 Crores = Commission

Where 2, 3, 4,... are Generations,

And the commission is an accumulated figure of a Swiss Bank account.

The general representation becomes

For GenerationG

GenerationX 100 Crores = Amount = Commission

You are brainy enough to guess the rest of it.

Now that’s what I call a GenerationX spectral series.

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Saving Stripey

What are these? Prized processions? Trophies? Or just a part of a cadaver scaring you to the core if seen in reality? Will you display this proudly in your home? No? I thought so. I don’t think we can accept what was once a magnificent life form to be killed and hung as a trophy to showcase man’s skill’s with a gun. Of course, I don’t think this has ever happened in the case of homosapiens.

But what of this?

The population of India in the last 10 years has increased by 15 crores. It’s not the same story when it comes to our national animal.

There are just 1411 Tigers left. Don’t let it become a fading portrait

is always better than

Join www.saveourtigers.com . Make a difference today.

* all photos used here have been taken from Google Images.

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Jolly Rogers

Based on a True Incident.

Hiding in the Dust

4:00 A.M.

It was long shadowy night. Dead silent. Not a sound, except the rattling buzz of the cicadas. None but the soldiers could feel the tension and the pressure mounting. Every pound of the heart as heavy as a quake in all its annihilating glory. Victory promised Honor and it wasn’t farfetched. They waited. A lone drop of sweat made its way in a defined path between the eyebrows to the chin like it knew where it was heading. It was slow. Just like its decision to let go or not because once it hits the ground, it could mean information for the opposition. Deafening silence.

The soldiers looked like positioned gargoyles in stealth. Not one movement. It was a tunnel with light at one end of it. Literally, as it was covered from far. Then the inevitable happened. A sound. It lasted for just a fraction of a small moment. Nothing thereafter. Sometimes even a whisper is all that’s needed. The Major looked at his comrade and motioned that he had heard a sound. He received a ‘roger’ in return for they knew that there was just that one left. The one could mean a battalion if he was heavily armed with both firepower and strategy.

The opposition was planning. Planning well.

The Showdown

4:13 A.M.

The Major slowly sent out command, ‘Location zeroed in. Repeat. Location zeroed in.’

No response from the fourth man. He was dead.

One down. Three to go. One left.

They had waited too long. It was time to finish it. Once and for all. The soldiers nudged a step forward.

Just then a grenade flew from a diversion of the tunnel, as the soldiers looked, having expected but not prepared for it. They knew it was over. But then most unlikely of things happened. It was like divine intervention. The grenade on its upward projectile, hit the nearby wall, deflected and went back home. There was nothing the opposition could have done.

A BIG Boom!

The soldiers walked towards the place where the explosion had taken place and confirmed the body of a dead terrorist.

And we all roared with laughter as the scoreboard read

And that’s how the terrorist known as $p@rrow killed himself in the final game that night in a session of hectic counter strike.

It was 5:00 A.M. We switched off the lights and went off to sleep while the early morning sky still carried the echoes of our laughter.

Credits

$p@rrow - Vivek

$c@rf@ce - Vibushan

P@dfoot - Sriraj

Dumb - Siddharth

H@ckO$ -Vijayakrishnan

IdOnTKnowHowtoPLY - Anandh

Shot - Prashanth Goel

BACKSTABBER - Vikas

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Defiance, Illiteracy or plain Dumb

I know it's been a loooong time since I went blog-trotting and since I contributed something to my blog. The twins are sleeping still.

Anyway, I happened to stumble upon this in Chennai (a lot of my whereabouts are in Chennai of late. You'll soon know why :) ) and I just wanted to post this.

The board reads "Please DO NOT dump Garbage here".

Now you can actually compare my post to Garbage, saying "Hey, wasn't that the garbage post?", and the answer might be "Which one?"...

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Neology Therapy

Hi,
This is a mail that I received recently and after reading it, I couldn't resist sharing it here. This is solely borrowed and not my work and trust me, it's worth reading every word of it. Enjoy!

Neologisms...

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologisms, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.), emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.


The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners:

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease.

9. Karmageddon (n): Its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

16 . Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole

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Spit Happens

This happened on my recent visit to Chennai. And i'm kind of vouching that this happens only in India.

Yeah.. Like you've travelled to every other part of the world
Thanks Evil bugger... all the support I need!
And what's with the title?
For god's sake have some patience!
For all what's worth your rambling, i need a genie to grant me some
Again, thanks!
Go on!

Anyway, I got into an autorickshaw
Me: I want to go to the Lemon tree building, opposite the..
Driver: 250 Rupees saar..

Dude, I havent even told you the entire destination location yet!
It was like a kind of a reflex.

Me: opposite that police station, chetpet?
driver: Oh andhaandaya (roughly translated into "Oh, there!") , appo..mmm... 200 rupees saar..

Man! where do you have your account in? the Swiss bank?

As usual, like every other indian would do, i started bargaining and brought the fee down to 150. I know i've been cheated. Dont say it.

Evil twin: Ha ha ha! Not the first time bud
Me: I said! DON'T SAY IT!

I got into the autorickshaw and off we went.
Traffic Signal 1. The driver looked to his side and spit a huge blob of his saliva on the road...

Man! Yuck!

... and gave a reaction like he had escaped from alcatraz.

Frankly speaking, that reaction should have been given by that sorry spit that was fortunate enough to have escaped from his pan filled filthy factory producing stinky secrete.

Anyway.. i ignored what happened like I never saw it and like the other people on the road with a smirking face pretending nothing happened.

Signal 2. The guy looked down to his left and spit again.

Hello!? Don't you swallow your own saliva!? Is it poisonous? No? let me guess... Radioactive?

I thought the poor guy didnt know his way back and hence was making his mark so He could find his way back a'la Hercules Vs. Minotaur.

Now thats what I call a literal herculian comparison!

Ahh wait!.. I forgot to describe the post-action. Immediately after he spit, he took a cloth and cleaned his windshield.

Dude! You spit on the road! You ought to be cleaning not your windshield!

spitting, I guess, has become more of human secretion rather than a voluntary or a cult action.

Its not worth contemplating anyway...

Finally, i reached my destination. I took a couple of seconds before I could get down and you know why. I didnt want the driver's filthy sloppy projectile to have its bull's eye on my ankle. And yes, he spit and then I got down and paid him instead of paying him back. I paid him cash. The lumpsome he had robbed off me.

I was happy and walked cheerful towards work because all that could go wrong had already happened during my "delightful" journey.

Is that it!? Is that your post!? Oh genie! please grant me deaf ears instead of good patience!
I guess I made a point... ?
really? arrkkhh.. thooooo...
well... ahem... spit happens... I guess.

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5.5 Hours and a Superhero Born

Hi blog!
…
Haaii bloog…
Blog? Hello?
…
HELLO TWIN!!
YIKES!! … Phew! You again! You… evil… twit! Sorry… twin! (Gulp…)
No worries, I aint gonna hurt you…
Wow! Really!?
Not in front of them, that is…
Oh, well… I guess I’ll keep a tombstone ready then…
You guessed it; I have it all set…
Awww… How nice of you! Hope it atleast says R.I.P, if not to mean it..?
You wish! I made it say, “good twin- Died in sleep. Evil twin- haunting house”
Well, atleast let me finish my story, can I?
Is it like a last prayer kind of thing, twit?
Hey! You called me twit!
I can call you whatever I want to…
Ok bro! Just checking…
So, what’s your story then?
You did see the title, didn’t you?
It says superhero!? Oh my god! Please don’t tell me that lame story you told about some wayside hero… oh please! I beg you! Puhleeezz… I can get killed you know!
Oh! Ha ha ha! Looks like the tombstone is gonna read “Good twin: narrating stories. Evil twin: died of listening”
what…?
Damn it… backfire…
SHUT UP!!... CEASEFIRE!!!
“What was that!?” (in chorus)
Blog..? blog!! You’re alive! Yay!
Blog: You woke me up, you IDIOTS!!
You mean, brought you back from dead?
Blog: Now, you, evil twin, “SHUT UP” and “you, moron, go ahead with your ramble”
As you wish, blog-o-mighty, as you wish!

Once upon a time…

Cut the crap…
Alright! If YOU could just shut up

I have this habit of taking impulsive decisions that sometimes just comes back to bite my ass. Anyway, I had an exam that should be written so I qualify for my future plans and the examination body conducts it in our hometown for OUR CONVENIENCE. I seem to have missed that part, conveniently. I chose a date that did not have my hometown in the places list and I chose a place that can’t even be remotely called one. But having subject to taking up responsibility for my decisions, I decided to see it through. And I’m happy to say, the only pleasant part of this trip was my exam (I hope).

I landed in the place called Mad-urai, which by the way, I had no difficulty finding out not because of any landmarks but because of a smell that is nonexistent in any other part of the world.

Ewww…
Thanks... I think this is the only part where we have a single perspective

I got into an auto and headed to my hotel. And thankfully, it was a good place to stay. But good things aren’t for long. Before I knew it, I was out in the scorching heat in search of the holy place so I can get my exam over with. But then I made a mistake. I caught an auto. And my oh my! I was taken for a ride both tariff wise and the drive itself. The driver drove head on towards a bus approaching at a considerable speed, like Superman and Darkseid in a final battle clashing it out. I was like a helpless fly sitting on superman’s neck not knowing what was going to happen but definite that I was screwed.

I thought you were the superhero!?
Wait evil twin... patience…

Thankfully, the driver made a last minute turn and the bus just whisked by. This is how a couple of days in Mad-urai went. Atleast I was a happy man in my hotel room. After 2 days, I went to the bus stop to board the bus at around 230 with the sun literally sitting on my head. Anyways, I was happy. I was heading home.

WHERE is superman!!?
Patience… you..!
WHAT?
I meant, you mighty listener...

And I got into the bus. Like it was reserved for me, I could see one seat empty and I occupied it as fast I could though there was no competition. Now I know why. With every brake, stop, jump and acceleration, I felt like I was going to vomit my own organs. Then came the greatest of evils. It started when the bus started. The bus had a couple of TVs inside and I was expecting some entertainment. All they could play was songs in movies in which a famous Tamil political had acted. 5.5 hours non stop. I could feel that my brain got sedated. I felt like a POW in a Nazi camp. But then the positive side was if I could endure this, I could, from now on say,”what else? Bring it on”.

Like how Spidey got his superpowers from a spider exposed to radioactive crap, I got mine from a prolonged exposure to yester-age songs. The power of endurance.

What about your readers then?
Well… you got me…

And so was the story told to the people the moron knew and like rats hypnotized by the pied piper of Hamlin, the listeners jumped into the sea.

You mean they followed you?
Nope… jumped half way through...
Sigh…

Blog? You awake? Blog..?
I think its dead..

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