Friday, October 31, 2008

Personality Development for Easy Money for Domers - A Concise Practical Approach by Examples

In these modern times, everyone know the bare truth that making money isn’t easy since it is a dog eat dog world and anything you do might just come back and bite your ass. After a lot of musing, I claim to have come up with an approach to make millions easily though it might involve daring a certain amount of risks and forgetting from the start that you had principles. That brings us directly to chapter 1.

Chapter 1: Prerequisites and Primary Objectives

1. Blind bravery which means you must be ready to meet a rogue bull- naked and bare handed and initiate a fight even if it risks you losing your balls. Later you can show it off as a proud scar even though people might think you’re brain dead.
2. Illogical reasoning skills which sometimes refers to shouting at the top of your voice without making one bit of a sense in a public arena. You’ll be used as a wonderful metaphor thereby saving the dog species from being referred to.
3. Love for a local language (just pretend if you’re devoid of it) and preach that it’s the supreme language and any other language should be condemned. So people will not know you’re interested in not their welfare but the faded history.
4. The urge to be a cabal/maverick. Staging a protest will get you a B. Coming up with a master plan to over throw your superior will get you an A. Executing it will get you an A+.
5. Preach this. Create a club. Be their leader. Be worshiped.

The qualities mentioned above are to be nurtured and made to run in your blood so in future you can easily pass it through your genes rather than trying hard to inculcate them into your kid’s brain.

Chapter 2: Getting Started

Getting the knack of things? It’s High time to get started. If you’re in school/college now and you’re reading this, then a piece of advice. Leave education. NOW! Later when you’re in a big position you can yell to the press saying that it was THIS decision that has brought you to this position. If you had listened to your dad you’d be a lame software engineer or a doctor.

Chapter 3: Presenting Yourself

Your dressing sense talks volumes. Dress like you’re the epitome of Monotones, preferably in white because white is an amalgam of all possible colors. So there is no way of finding out what your true colors really are.

Chapter 4: Develop ways of reasoning to safe guard your decisions

Always learn to reason things to your advantage. For example, a log of wood can be used to chase away a stray dog minding its own business rather than to make fire thereby saving the log from burning. So you become the ultimate crusader of nature.

Chapter 5: Preach Bold

Preach like a saint and live like you ain’t. A practical example would be to condemn anything that is foreign and preach Gandhian principles but drive a (not restricted to just one) foreign car and name your kid “Sylvester”.

Chapter 6: Learn to make Prom, Prom and more Prom

Wondering what the title is about?? It’s simple. It’s half of Promises. Promise a lot; keep them up while bypassing it. For example, Promise not to watch T.V. anymore as it’s an idiot box. You keep up your word. People think you’re a responsible guy. You instead go to the theaters daily.

Chapter 7: Plan way before hand

The age old formula. Always plan way before hand. Come up with constructive plans like cutting off water supply and then demanding a lump sum per liter of water distributed. Promise a state of the art flyover and provide a shit-hole instead. Making spare tires for bikes compulsory for just a day and earn per spare tire sold.
Planning is the most efficient and proven technique that can be attributed to any success. Now that you know how and what to plan, we’re ready to proceed to our final act.

Chapter 8: The finale- Earning laundry

Enter Politics.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

R&D in Mummy Laboratories

The time was 1:00 a.m. in the morning. Sleepless, I lay on my bed wondering about the amazing cutlets that my mom had made the previous evening. Needless to say, I had hogged every morsel that I could salvage. I’ve never tasted anything like that before. The taste still lingered on my tongue and I savored it; every moment. Because I knew that even if I get something like that again, the first time would still be the first time.

The same night before dinner, I praised my mom for the heaven that she had brought down from above.

I told her “Ma, those cutlets you made this evening, well, they were just amazing! I could sure grab some if you have some left. I don’t mind eating left overs (I didn’t, really)”.

“I seriously can’t get you. Are you being sarcastic??” She asked.

“No, no! I’m being honest! A very different, awesome taste!”

“In the morning you criticize my breakfast and in the evening you’re all praise for my cutlets. How is that!?”

“Morning you had made something I hate! You made kichadi! It’s all yellow, sloppy and gooey and what not!? I simply HATE it! Even if you disguise it and give it to me, I wouldn’t touch a morsel!”


“A promise on those lovely cutlets…”

“Then, that’s precisely what you’re going to lose…”

“What!? How’s that!?”

“hmmm… those cutlets that I made? Well, let’s just say it was indeed a disguise that you had hogged.”

She couldn’t control her smile. And I couldn’t control my exact opposite reaction.


“Yeah, just added some bread crumbs and a little batter to disguise it. Guess it paid off. Good night, dear!”

Speechless and confused I went to bed. The time was 1:00 a.m. in the morning, I was sleepless when a fine realization struck me as I lay there wondering.

“Food is sometimes created but never destroyed. It is just transformed from one form to another.”

Having learnt the day’s lesson I closed my eyes and went off to sleep with a little craving inside me for those cutlets, though, I might never admit it.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Death Magnetic- A Deadly Attraction!

Well, I know I’m quite late in writing this post. Nevertheless I’m satisfied having written it in the first place.

Since the advent of metal, the name “Metallica” had engraved a name for itself in the world of metal by their very unique music and the legendary, raw powerful voice of James Hetfield.

Having produced powerful hits like “Enter Sandman”, “Nothing Else Matters” etc, which featured James Hetfield doing the lead vocals and the rhythm guitars, Kirk Hammett playing the lead guitars at a blistering pace, Jason Newstead providing a powerful bass and most importantly Lars Ulrich, the very pulse of the band with his majestic drumming which will send headbangers instantly into ecstasy, the band is now back with their latest album “Death Magnetic” with a slight change in the lineup.

After a disastrous previous album (in my perspective) titled “St. Anger” which had nothing much in the album but a cacophony at full blast, I prayed for Metallica to either come back revamped or not return. I’d just be happy listening to their classics. I guess though they had quite lost their touch in their previous album, they hadn't lost their will and attitude. The obvious is that, they are back and to my satisfaction I can certainly vouch that their music goes “Old School”!

The departure of Jason Newstead made me quite unhappy thinking about the band’s break up and about the guy supposed to fill in his shoes as that would provoke immense criticism as a result of comparing the new guy with Newstead. Well, I got to say that Metallica has found a great replacement in the form of Robert Trujillo the former bassist of Ozzy Osbourne. By doing a wonderful job rendering a bass that perfectly complements the rhythm and the lead guitars at best he is sure to please any Metallica fan out there.

Death Magnetic is a concept based album focusing on War and its ugliness. The trauma a soldier faces, the darkness that befalls him, the violence around the war field. The album features ten songs and the song listing is as follows.

1. That was Just Your Life
2. The End of the Line
3. Broken, Beat and Scarred
4. The Day that Never Comes
5. All Nightmare Long
6. Cyanide
7. The Unforgiven III
8. The Judas Kiss
9. Suicide and Redemption
10. My Apocalypse

A few of the songs like “Cyanide”, “That was Just your life” are vintage Metallica blitzkriegs and songs like “Broken, Beat and Scarred” , “The end of the Line” are quite heavy focusing on hard riffs and drumming that makes you bang your head like you are possessed. The album, after a long time, features one instrumental song- “Suicide and Redemption”. The catch of the album, though, is the song “The Unforgiven III”. Boy oh boy, was I on cloud 9 after listening to it that it’s become my daily mantra humming it wherever I go. The riffs in the song are nothing short of ultimate and the solo is just typical Metallica. About the drumming, Ulrich is just the man to do the job and he has exceeded expectations by miles.

The night I listened to the songs, I just couldn’t get them off my head and it’s the same now as I write this review. On the whole, the album is one that proves that, in this age of hip-hop and rap, metal still is a major player in the battlefield and that the gods that new metal looks up to are here to stay.

Pictures taken from

Friday, October 24, 2008

Running in Circles

It’s the Festival season. A happy, lively time. The time when everyone is busy buzzing around making grand purchases. The road’s sides are filled more with pedestrians than parked vehicles, carrying huge plastic bags full of clothes and sweets and a million dollar smile on their face while their credit and debit cards are half worn out from swiping that it looks more like a fancy double shade visiting card. Nevertheless, one season when people really don’t mind spending. Well, really?

My dad is a renowned doctor in the city. And a doctor, in general, gets a compliment from time to time from medical companies as a sign of gratitude or loyalty for prescribing a medicine made by the particular company. I’d be delighted every time my dad brings home a compliment, even though it may sometimes be a small simple gift, it still remains a symbol of gratitude. The only thing about these compliments is that, they come with the companies names embedded or printed on them. Sometimes obviously visible and some other times not. During festive seasons, we basically amass sweet boxes that, I can simply say, our expenditures are being taken care of, except for our personal purchases. I happened to notice that some of the sweet boxes had the name straves* printed in a small font underneath the boxes. I tried to take care of it but I couldn’t.

It’s customary in India during the festival season that people visit their friends’ places and give away sweets as an age old celebration for the defeat of the asura(troll/ogre) Narahasura by Krishna. So, one day, we packed a few boxes of sweets to give to our neighbors and friends. It was fun, going around, meeting people, exchanging greetings. Deep inside our hearts we were also content that the sweets mound at home was rapidly decreasing.

A few days later, our neighbors, the good people that they are, visited us. As the custom goes, they too gave us a box of sweets that we could enjoy followed by a warm greeting. After a leisurely chat they departed. I took the box of sweets that they had given and went to place it in a nearby shelf. As I was about to push it into the top shelf, I spotted that the box bore a small red engraving at the bottom. I looked closer only to read the name straves*on it. With a wry smile on my face, I just pushed the box inside knowing I’ll enjoy the sweets at a later time of the year.

Happy Holidays everybody!

*the name has been modified from the original

Thursday, October 23, 2008

A Prescription for Metal

Music has a lot of types. Ranging from light melodious classical music to the heavy, ripping death metal, the divisions are beyond count that I may be unaware of a few types (probably their sound frequency ranges above 30,000 Hz). To start with, a lot of people start out to be pop fans and then graduate to metal. This is because, probably, it takes time for people to cope with the background of Heavy Metal, which, are most of the times dark.

America saw the advent of Heavy Metal during the horror of World War II. It was one of America’s many answers to the holocaust of the period- The disillusionment, the despair and death. Many of the lyrics in Heavy Metal deal with philosophical enquiry questioning truth, life, beliefs, God, etc.

I, being a Heavy Metal fanatic, preach Heavy Metal like a religion. And to my satisfaction, I do have a few converts who evolved to listening to heavy metal though I do not know whether it was due to compulsion or for the music itself. I’d say a liking towards Metal is more acquired than natural. That’s because of the heavily distorted guitars, the powerful singing, the in-song rants and the insane drumming that will make everyone go wild- the fanatics with joy and the non-fanatics with hatred. The traditional term used for the people who go crazy after metal is called “A Headbanger”.

There are a selected few songs that I know of that would please metal and non-metal fans alike. The converts I spoke about, well, let’s just say, they started out listening to these songs before actually entering the world of metal. Here is what the prescription might have looked like…

Instead of writing a prescription I wrote a CD instead. If you’re new to metal I’d recommend you try these. The very rhythm of the guitars and the sheer brilliance in the songs and the majestic drumming would blow you off. Welcome to the world of “Headbanging”.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

The Blind Eyes of Justice II : Punished for Sheltering

Summer time. Anyone walking on the road would be intimidated to enjoy the shelter under a tree to cool down one’s head from becoming a hot sizzling tava fit enough to make rotis. The following incident which begs for a proper explanation still, happened around three years back.

I always admired the area where I lived. Laden with trees on either side of the road, the place was perfect for a residential area. Every time I was on my way home, I’d enjoy the shelter provided by the old, wise giants on the road side by driving at a snail's pace. I wished the place wouldn’t change, ever.

In India, auto rickshaw stands are comfortably placed under the shade of age old trees that have at least witnessed the evolution of auto rickshaws in the country. As I said, summer time, the sun, hot enough to smelt your brains and make it ooze out through pores on your head. On my way home from after some work outside I saw a couple of auto drivers taking shelter peacefully under the tree that was willing enough to do just that. Thinking to myself whether the drivers were on duty or not, I reached home.

A couple of days later, after completing the same routine work I had, I was returning home. On the way, I was surprised to see the trees looking like support pillars for museum artifacts. I couldn’t fathom the reason for the urgency to slay trees like they were weeds. Intrigued, I approached an auto driver and asked him what the matter was.

He replied, "Saar, that is, see, we are wurking for 16 havars for one day. The drivers was resting under the tree in the afternoon. At that time wonly one bloody fool came for savaari*. Avar drivers, they refuse. He go and complain saar! So wonly saar, the corporation fellows come and cut the trees."

Mixed emotions. I didn’t know whether to laugh out loud or feel sad for the plight of the tree. Speechless, I just went home.

*savaari – A customer/ passenger to be served.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

The Road Not Taken

This title, as you might have guessed, gives you the picture of the beautiful poem by Robert Frost, doesn’t it? Well, in contrast, this post is neither a poem nor is it about describing beauty. Although, one similar point is that, both of us describe about the roads less preferred or in some cases, preferred not to be travelled at all.

Indian traffic can be considered as the legendary depiction of live chaos. The roads are a race track with a bad surface or something that is under construction for all eternity. “Pit Stops” or to plainly put, craters, are present throughout that can send a vehicle at a top speed toppling. I meant it literally.

About road rage, well, you don’t have to bother really. Dynamic road blocks which are oblivious even to cops like uncared animals, ignorant pedestrians busy yapping on their mobile phones, speed breakers with no luminous paints, buses that can stop anywhere on the road to pick up and drop travelers and vehicles parked in a no parking zone or sometimes close to the middle of the road ,payoff well. This is just a gist. There's more.

To talk about some heroes on the road, let me describe them first. Old school dressing, a cap and a pair of Dashing Coolers … in the late evenings when the bright sun goes off to shine on the west side of the world, only makes you pity them for their “wannabe” desperation. These heroes ride their bikes like the lightcycles of Tron ready to make a surprise 90 degree turn any second making you feel like a sorry bull rider taming his wild, insane, jumpy bull every time you apply your brakes all of a sudden.

Now from two wheelers to three wheelers. The path taken by these drivers are like that of an AC energy wave, inverted AC wave, pulsating DC energy wave, to name a few of their chaotic motions, in any random order. Like James Bond, Auto drivers have their license to irritate. The saying “appearances are deceptive” holds good here because, the drivers can look like real simpletons but in reality, these are the people that are actually connected*.

Time for the kings of the road. James Bond sans the style element with a license to kill gives us bus drivers. Their ride and their death knell behind you can make you wet your pants almost instantly. Their path is very simple. It’s straight, literally. Get in the way and you might not live to see another sunrise. The driver gets a few days off in the name of suspension and a meager charge as a fine for his “careless” driving while you’re busy having a conversation with St. Peter.

The signals’ only purpose is to entertain small children sitting snuggly inside cars who are enamored by the change of colors that makes them appreciate the creations of God. Normal people call it Traffic Signals. Bus drivers call it lame.

Now, where was the traffic police all this time?? Well, he is at the friendly neighborhood Nair Chai shop enjoying a hot cup of tea or is inside his cozy niche enjoying a nice cat nap...

*- Italian mob slang for being close to people in Power.

A schematic pattern of the traffic on Indian Roads (Click on the image for a larger view)

Saturday, October 11, 2008

The Rediscovery of Fire

Mankind has been dependent on electricity since the 18th century when Benjamin Franklin’s research on it unveiled its innumerable applications. Man has been consumed by its power that he let it rule the world. Now, almost nothing can run without electricity. Right, isn’t it? Wrong.

Welcome to Coimbatore, India. My hometown where people are desperately trying to discover an alternative. The reason? Coimbatore is experiencing rampant changes for the worst during recent times. Previously, the city would face a definite power shutdown once every three weeks for a twelve hour period. Now, power shutdown at the rate of more than eight hours a day has become a bit too much to handle. UPS sales have shot up to the sky. Probably 5 years back, owning a UPS was a luxury. After a couple of years, a necessity. Now compulsory.

The city faces this wrath unleashed everyday for a minimum of 8 hours and if need be, more, but never less, thus promoting social devolution to grow exponentially.

I’d like to admit that I’m no Nostradamus nor does it require one to be to predict the return of the Stone Age in this Modern Era. Behold!The Cave man cometh!

The Rediscovery of Fire (Click on the picture for a larger view)

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

The Blind Eyes of Justice

We all know of THE Icon for justice. It’s of a lady in a blindfold, holding the weighing scales. Well, let me tell you that the blindfold has lasted for a bit too long and has now become literal.

This incident once happened in Bihar, when a dog named Chottu faced trial in a court in Patna, apparently for “Breach of Peace” (He didn’t crap around like burning buses because the party he supported failed to win in the elections or stage a protest demanding a downgrade in its pedigree the minister had promised to award, if she won the elections). Allegedly, all he did was bite people, and the police feared that it to become a dangerous law and order situation. The dog was eventually caught or “arrested” and was produced for trial. However, the owner claims that Chottu was on his best behavior in the court lending credence to his owner’s statement that Chottu attacked only burglars. What’s incredible though, is that the dog was sentenced to death for the same complaint (if only dogs could speak… and were capable of dealing under the table) but managed to escape because of protests by Animal Rights Activists.

Surprised? Well, don’t be. Guess what’s next in line.
I had been to Bangalore recently and had dropped by a shopping mall called Forum to chill out for a while. Forum houses a big multi-cuisine restaurant called Transit, and I thought I’d just go grab some snack. Thankfully I hadn’t carried in any eatable from outside because THIS would have happened if I had.

A Warning Board inside Transit, Forum, Bangalore.

Now, I’m still hoping to come across an unfortunate Oskar Schindler to redeem the “Juice” from THIS holocaust...

Sunday, October 05, 2008

The God that Outsourced

Nothing is too extreme when it comes to politics. From A to Z, the rules in politics are ever changing or to put it point blank, there exists a rule none. Well, let us take a look at what Lord Shiva a.k.a The Destroyer had to say when he was accidentally spotted in disguise by a journalist near… well, I’m not willing to disclose the location as local pedestrians will crowd around the area, raise a shrine and turn a deaf a ear to the traffic thereby interrupting it.

Journalist: OMG! I can’t believe I’m looking at Shiva, oops, sorry, Lord Shiva!... In disguise…
Lord Shiva: It doesn’t matter; just call me by my name. I don’t want a crowd to gather around me and keep me here forever. I’m suffocating already. I guess my friend has gone on a creation spree. Must stop production. But before that, I need to wipe off some species off the planet to balance things for a while.
Journalist: Oh! wow! This news is making it to the gossips section in tomorrow’s paper. Well, may I ask how you intend to do that??
Lord Shiva: What!? I thought this news might make it to the headlines!
Journalist: I’m Sorry… I’m from The Times of India. The headline has already been reserved for the story of Aishwarya Rai falling off her bicycle during shooting. India needs to know what happened to her.
Lord Shiva: Oh, that lady. My good friend, the Creator, put some extra thought and effort while creating her and these lame people praise modern day costumes. Well, anything to not disclose our identities.
Journalist: hmmm... although, she did undergo a rather bad spell when she was with Salman. She turned up with a black eye at a party. You can't blame that on cosmetics...

Lord Shiva laughs.

Lord Shiva: You know, that was my work actually. In the name of karma? And Salman had been good that year. So, I played a little Santa.
Journalist: Nice! Well, anyway, you were saying something about wiping off a certain species…
Lord Shiva: yeah about that… I…

When Lord Shiva was about to start charting out his plans, the journalist gets an emergency call from her company. After attending the call, the journalist put on a ghastly look. And then…

Journalist: I didn’t know you were this fast!! You did all this while talking to me!? Amazing!
Shiva: Why? What happened??
Journalist: Modesty appreciated. An MP from the Samajwadi party sacrificed 200 goats and 4 buffaloes to ensure the trust vote in favor of the UPA government. To ensure victory. Well, I got to go cover this. And don’t forget to buy tomorrows paper. Last page, bottom right corner. Bye!

The journalist runs along. And Shiva slowly walked his way towards his next destination with a single thought lingering in his mind.

Lord Shiva: (thinking)… when the hell did I start outsourcing???