Saturday, February 07, 2009

Injun on the Road

At the rate at which the population is growing- exponentially, I’d say, in the most literal sense, the place has become a pigsty. I don’t think pigs can cross the road with caution. I don’t think pigs can drive unless they drive you crazy. And I don’t think pigs have even the first sense, let alone the rest. Nor do the people on these roads.

Chapter 1: Prerequisites and Primary Objectives

1. Be blind. Not being so has a high probability of your internal organs to be re assembled. Example- The heart in your mouth.
2. Helmet is protection. Armor is closed protection. Neither is closed casket.
3. Mastered the ‘8’? Now, master 7.5, 3.45, 11.7 and 2.75. Preferably by doing the wheelie. There just isn’t enough space on the road for two wheels.
4. A pocket dictionary of vulgarity. A special edition that covers more than 4 national and international languages is preferred. Knowing it inside out makes you king of the road.
5. Always remember, paint the town red. Take it in any sense you want. Be it the slang or spitting a red blob of a sorry aftereffect from a paan shop on the road.

Chapter 2: Getting Started

1. Now that the primary objectives are complete. Let’s start. Vrooom, vroooom…
2. Use a helmet that only partially covers your head. You have to practice multitasking by messaging and talking while driving.
3. Remember, a brake can damage your vehicle and your speed sense.

Chapter 3: Yes, It’s your Grandpa’s road

1. All the middle road’s a stage.
2. Be it walking, driving or a strip tease, the middle of the road is the best. People need a little entertainment amidst their driving.

Chapter 4: The Juggernaut

1. Stopping is a sin. Whatever happens, don’t stop. Be it spitting, vomiting, taking a piss or any other activity that our drivers do on road.

Chapter 5: An Armored Juggernaut is King

1. The helmet has multiple roles.
2. When, under an unavoidable circumstance of overtaking a bus, a silent projectile from inside the bus, can leave you cursing the innocent crows.
3. When you follow a fellow injun practicing chapter 4, you don’t want to taste his excreta.
4. When YOU practice chapter 4, you need your head in place, if not your brain, to keep practicing.

Chapter 6: I Know what you did Last Corner

1. When a loser overtakes you, hang on to him with your hook and don’t give up until you step on his carcass.
2. Now that’s painting the town red.

Chapter 7: I Still know what you did Last Corner

1. Vendetta is the secret of the skill.
2. If you can’t inflict pain on the loser, work your ass off, buy a bus and play prowler till the loser becomes a sorry pile of worthless garbage on the road.

Chapter 8: Burning Rubber

1. Now that you’re equipped with skills that our people naturally possess, Go, show who’s King.


Vivek said...

Juggernaut armored on the road was the best!
It serves protection from those very free crows and Pigeons!

Rakesh Vanamali said...

Lol! This is wonderfully construed! And yes, at the rate at which population in outpacing everything else.....we'd have more brainless pigs roaming all around! Imagine a few billion asses loose day n night, aimlessly vagabonding about...... Human? What is that? Thats what our ancestors were!

Vibushan Lakshminarayan said...

Protect from those and our pigs :)

And thats very nicely written. Human behavior is sure to become a thing of the past. All I see are barbarians roaming around...

Chiju said...

These days the drivers are afraid of the people who take the legacy "NATARAJA" service. Add guidelines to walk on the road or the middle of the road (doesn't make a diff) in ur next edition of your book... :)

In the city i live (believe me.. CITY), it is not far from the day when they are gonna change the direction of the railway gate. The train has to wait for the people who drive or whatever...