Domer the domer- Excerpt from an Election Campaign

Domer the domer, he is back with a bang! At the right time!! And guess what!? He’s making more promises than ever!

Domer the domer

An article in the newspaper read,

GodforbiddenLand: As the time is nearing to elect a new old ruler, In the morning the local citizens were very excited and were in their highest spirits (in both the contexts of consideration) to catch a glimpse of their hero, Domer, riding through the state begging, sorry, demanding, oops, requesting, ha ha yeah right, (Darn I can’t get the word right), well, campaigning for votes so he can assume the mantle once more to rule his blind people. Domer, after reigning for more than a decade now, still has his way of words. The plethora of pleasing words that are like soothing music for the ears would please one. Why wouldn’t it? He is not listening and so is Domer. Here is what Domer had to say or rather promise to his citizens!

“Oh My dearest people!
Just cast your votes for me!
And that’s all I ever ask,
While I give you goods for free!

Bundles of Saris and Bottles of Liquor,
Take them and enjoy your currency notes flicker!
I give you these riches and ask for your help,
Votes are a few of my favorite things!”

The campaign was pompous and exorbitant. With majority of the country’s income being spent on the elections, the timeframe of 5 years is just right to regain money spent and more. Milton wrote Paradise lost when he lost his eyesight and Paradise Regained when he regained it. With money being today’s paradise, the expression is a simile apropos.

The people were exultant and felt blessed to be in the presence of Domer that some of them started crying after seeing Domer their Hero. They cheered, cried, laughed and praised him amidst all their bard songs, Domer made all the promises he could and gave hope for many. No questions, no demands. Just being in the presence of Domer was enough.

“We all welcome Domer
Who’s back with a bang!
And in this time of the hour
In love with his Vote Bank.

Every Literate just a Dumbo
And Domer’s bodyguard a Gung Ho!
So we all vote for Domer
Who’s back with a bang!”

There are always some of them who have prayers irrespective of who the ruling party was. When enquired what their prayers were, they asked for the sanest of things that day to day life demanded. People have seen a lot these days that a there are a lot to demand than to expect.

“Domer the domer
Give us power for this summer.
We all have no more money!
And please promise us no phony.

Please give us education,
And we don’t need reservation
Based on color, caste or creed.
Vote for you to help and feed!”

The question posed for eons together is, Will Domer deliver!? A question asked for years and the question for which, people are still searching answers for!!

On a totally different note, some of the local citizens have been quite angry and have been questioning why Domer had not delivered till now for the previous million times he had been elected. When asked why, let’s just say, they displayed a cascading of emotions.

“He launders money
To treat his ass!
And launders some more
To feed his cats!

He’ll shoot you in the face
And wipe your history off this place.
So we all vote for Domer
To escape his bloody bang!”

Well well, all said and done, what do I say?

“Domer or dumbo
What difference does it make!?
This has been on for ages
And it’s just too much to take!

Still One vote can make a difference,
And I exercise my rights!
I have a hope that I can
Make my country reach new heights!”

An excerpt from News for the Blind.
Courtesy: The Gemini Mind.

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Injun on the Road

At the rate at which the population is growing- exponentially, I’d say, in the most literal sense, the place has become a pigsty. I don’t think pigs can cross the road with caution. I don’t think pigs can drive unless they drive you crazy. And I don’t think pigs have even the first sense, let alone the rest. Nor do the people on these roads.

Chapter 1: Prerequisites and Primary Objectives

1. Be blind. Not being so has a high probability of your internal organs to be re assembled. Example- The heart in your mouth.
2. Helmet is protection. Armor is closed protection. Neither is closed casket.
3. Mastered the ‘8’? Now, master 7.5, 3.45, 11.7 and 2.75. Preferably by doing the wheelie. There just isn’t enough space on the road for two wheels.
4. A pocket dictionary of vulgarity. A special edition that covers more than 4 national and international languages is preferred. Knowing it inside out makes you king of the road.
5. Always remember, paint the town red. Take it in any sense you want. Be it the slang or spitting a red blob of a sorry aftereffect from a paan shop on the road.

Chapter 2: Getting Started

1. Now that the primary objectives are complete. Let’s start. Vrooom, vroooom…
2. Use a helmet that only partially covers your head. You have to practice multitasking by messaging and talking while driving.
3. Remember, a brake can damage your vehicle and your speed sense.

Chapter 3: Yes, It’s your Grandpa’s road

1. All the middle road’s a stage.
2. Be it walking, driving or a strip tease, the middle of the road is the best. People need a little entertainment amidst their driving.

Chapter 4: The Juggernaut

1. Stopping is a sin. Whatever happens, don’t stop. Be it spitting, vomiting, taking a piss or any other activity that our drivers do on road.

Chapter 5: An Armored Juggernaut is King

1. The helmet has multiple roles.
2. When, under an unavoidable circumstance of overtaking a bus, a silent projectile from inside the bus, can leave you cursing the innocent crows.
3. When you follow a fellow injun practicing chapter 4, you don’t want to taste his excreta.
4. When YOU practice chapter 4, you need your head in place, if not your brain, to keep practicing.

Chapter 6: I Know what you did Last Corner

1. When a loser overtakes you, hang on to him with your hook and don’t give up until you step on his carcass.
2. Now that’s painting the town red.

Chapter 7: I Still know what you did Last Corner

1. Vendetta is the secret of the skill.
2. If you can’t inflict pain on the loser, work your ass off, buy a bus and play prowler till the loser becomes a sorry pile of worthless garbage on the road.

Chapter 8: Burning Rubber

1. Now that you’re equipped with skills that our people naturally possess, Go, show who’s King.

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Personality Development for Easy Money for Domers - A Concise Practical Approach by Examples

In these modern times, everyone know the bare truth that making money isn’t easy since it is a dog eat dog world and anything you do might just come back and bite your ass. After a lot of musing, I claim to have come up with an approach to make millions easily though it might involve daring a certain amount of risks and forgetting from the start that you had principles. That brings us directly to chapter 1.

Chapter 1: Prerequisites and Primary Objectives

1. Blind bravery which means you must be ready to meet a rogue bull- naked and bare handed and initiate a fight even if it risks you losing your balls. Later you can show it off as a proud scar even though people might think you’re brain dead.
2. Illogical reasoning skills which sometimes refers to shouting at the top of your voice without making one bit of a sense in a public arena. You’ll be used as a wonderful metaphor thereby saving the dog species from being referred to.
3. Love for a local language (just pretend if you’re devoid of it) and preach that it’s the supreme language and any other language should be condemned. So people will not know you’re interested in not their welfare but the faded history.
4. The urge to be a cabal/maverick. Staging a protest will get you a B. Coming up with a master plan to over throw your superior will get you an A. Executing it will get you an A+.
5. Preach this. Create a club. Be their leader. Be worshiped.

The qualities mentioned above are to be nurtured and made to run in your blood so in future you can easily pass it through your genes rather than trying hard to inculcate them into your kid’s brain.

Chapter 2: Getting Started

Getting the knack of things? It’s High time to get started. If you’re in school/college now and you’re reading this, then a piece of advice. Leave education. NOW! Later when you’re in a big position you can yell to the press saying that it was THIS decision that has brought you to this position. If you had listened to your dad you’d be a lame software engineer or a doctor.

Chapter 3: Presenting Yourself

Your dressing sense talks volumes. Dress like you’re the epitome of Monotones, preferably in white because white is an amalgam of all possible colors. So there is no way of finding out what your true colors really are.

Chapter 4: Develop ways of reasoning to safe guard your decisions

Always learn to reason things to your advantage. For example, a log of wood can be used to chase away a stray dog minding its own business rather than to make fire thereby saving the log from burning. So you become the ultimate crusader of nature.

Chapter 5: Preach Bold

Preach like a saint and live like you ain’t. A practical example would be to condemn anything that is foreign and preach Gandhian principles but drive a (not restricted to just one) foreign car and name your kid “Sylvester”.

Chapter 6: Learn to make Prom, Prom and more Prom

Wondering what the title is about?? It’s simple. It’s half of Promises. Promise a lot; keep them up while bypassing it. For example, Promise not to watch T.V. anymore as it’s an idiot box. You keep up your word. People think you’re a responsible guy. You instead go to the theaters daily.

Chapter 7: Plan way before hand

The age old formula. Always plan way before hand. Come up with constructive plans like cutting off water supply and then demanding a lump sum per liter of water distributed. Promise a state of the art flyover and provide a shit-hole instead. Making spare tires for bikes compulsory for just a day and earn per spare tire sold.
Planning is the most efficient and proven technique that can be attributed to any success. Now that you know how and what to plan, we’re ready to proceed to our final act.

Chapter 8: The finale- Earning laundry

Enter Politics.

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